I have been neglecting this blog lately, because there's really just too much going on for me to update it. So I guess I should at least update the part of my life that's ruling all of the others right now, and that's my pregnancy. Or rather, my question of pregnancy. I was in the ER Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday of last week, and then at my OB's office on Monday of this week because they thought my pregnancy was ectopic. Well, by Monday they realized that they were wrong and the baby was in my uterus. But then on Thursday night, as I was going to bed, I felt a gush... of blood. It was like someone had popped a water balloon inside of me. It was just a gush of dark red blood, but it was a finite amount and did not continue. They said that my cervix was closed, but my HCG hadn't risen the way I wanted it to. On top of that, they did an ultrasound that showed even worse news. The baby was measuring 2days ahead of my due date, but had no heartbeat. They basically told me to expect a miscarriage. So after all of the stress of thinking the pregnancy was ectopic, it looks like I'm just going to have a good old fashioned miscarriage.
I am a disaster. I haven't even been out of bed since I found out. No need as far as I'm concerned. I'm trying to keep myself calm and peaceful for as long as this child is a part of my body. I go back in to see the doctor on Tuesday and they will do a follow up ultrasound to decide the next step. My doctor isn't a big fan of d&c so he doesn't want to have to do that. I am on the fence though. I don't know that I want to go through the trauma of passing the baby. He did say that 20-25% of pregnancies end in first trimester miscarriages, and that (having 4 healthy kids at home) the odds were bound to catch up to me. I respectfully disagree. I know what I did to deserve this punishment.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Yeah, I am Impatient...
I know I said Saturday, but...
I couldn't wait :) I can't believe that I got a positive on a digital test at only 11DPO! Awesome! Not I'm just crossing my fingers and sending waves upon waves of positive energy to the little one. It's in the embryonic stage right now, until I'm 10 weeks along (I will be 4 weeks on Saturday) and then hopefully I will be out of the woods. I am hoping and praying that I will be able to go to my first doctor appointment in a few weeks and be able to hear that perfect sound of the baby's fluttering heart. I am so hopeful.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Catching up...
So, my interet has been down for a week or so, and I hate blogging from my phone, so I took a mini-hiatus. In that time, I have decided to try to work things out with Tony, but it's an uneasy truce. No more 3 strikes for us... if he screws up even once then the truce is over and so are we. I know that sounds harsh... but he is completely understanding about it, and agreeable to my terms. He's also doing SO MUCH BETTER since he's been staying here at the house again. I hope it lasts. Especially since I found out...
I'M PREGNANT!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!
I'm beyond excited about it! I'm actually not even late yet. I started feeling a little funny and tested early. My period isn't due until Saturday, but I got the faintest little positive on a First response Early Result test this morning and I am over the moon! I know that the medications I have been on may have some negative reprecussions as far as the pregnancy continuing, but for right now... I feel blessed. I will take another test tomorrow, and then save my only digital pregnancy test for Saturday. I'm afraid that tomorrow will be too early for that test to be accurate since it's not as sensitive as the test that I used this morning. Time will tell if this little one sticks around, but for right now, Tony and I are hopeful. Hopeful for our marriage, hopeful for our baby, hopeful for our family's future. It has been a good day, and I hope that it is a good, happy and healthy 9 months until my St. Patrick's Day due date.
I'M PREGNANT!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!
I'm beyond excited about it! I'm actually not even late yet. I started feeling a little funny and tested early. My period isn't due until Saturday, but I got the faintest little positive on a First response Early Result test this morning and I am over the moon! I know that the medications I have been on may have some negative reprecussions as far as the pregnancy continuing, but for right now... I feel blessed. I will take another test tomorrow, and then save my only digital pregnancy test for Saturday. I'm afraid that tomorrow will be too early for that test to be accurate since it's not as sensitive as the test that I used this morning. Time will tell if this little one sticks around, but for right now, Tony and I are hopeful. Hopeful for our marriage, hopeful for our baby, hopeful for our family's future. It has been a good day, and I hope that it is a good, happy and healthy 9 months until my St. Patrick's Day due date.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Murphy's Law...
The assertion that anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong. That is my life lately for sure. My marriage is falling apart, Tony is 5 seconds from losing or quitting his job, every day a pregnancy looks less likely (which I guess most would consider a good thing given the turmoil in the relationship right now) and now we are being faced with the possibility of losing the annuity that keeps our life afloat. Murphy's Law.
First off, the marriage. Tony and I love each other so much. We always have, and we always will. recently though, I couldn't turn a blind eye to some of our issues anymore. We are on relatively good terms right now, but for all intents and purposes... we are separated. He is staying with his mom and I am here with these horrible rotten heathens I call children. I hope he's enjoying the vacation! In all seriousness though, it has been hard on everyone. the kids have adjusted so quickly though, I was shocked! or maybe it doesn't feel different to them yet because of Tony's work schedule. Things may feel drastically different this weekend, when they're used to 3 straight days of Dad, and then it doesn't happen. He has already decided not to come and see them today... so they will get a taste of that absence sooner than expected. I just hope that everything works out in the long run... but change takes time.
In the meantime, I need to find a job. Supporting this family financially is now half my responsibility. Especially now that the annuity is ending/has ended. We will not even be able to keep out heads above water now without 2 incomes. I'm completely freaked out about it, and feeling miserable for poor BooBoo. The other kids have always had me. I have been home with them every day of their entire lives. The Boo isn't going to have that, and if I do end up pregnant (which again, is looking highly unlikely) then that baby won't even know me. I wouldn't even be able to breastfeed. that makes me profoundly sad. Maybe that's why God didn't allow a child to come into the world right now. Well, among other things. I believe to an extent that these trials were sent to me as tough love. I won't say punishment, because I don't think God works that way. All I know, is it has been a while since I have been in a position to be blessed by the Lord, and that my friends is on me.
First off, the marriage. Tony and I love each other so much. We always have, and we always will. recently though, I couldn't turn a blind eye to some of our issues anymore. We are on relatively good terms right now, but for all intents and purposes... we are separated. He is staying with his mom and I am here with these horrible rotten heathens I call children. I hope he's enjoying the vacation! In all seriousness though, it has been hard on everyone. the kids have adjusted so quickly though, I was shocked! or maybe it doesn't feel different to them yet because of Tony's work schedule. Things may feel drastically different this weekend, when they're used to 3 straight days of Dad, and then it doesn't happen. He has already decided not to come and see them today... so they will get a taste of that absence sooner than expected. I just hope that everything works out in the long run... but change takes time.
In the meantime, I need to find a job. Supporting this family financially is now half my responsibility. Especially now that the annuity is ending/has ended. We will not even be able to keep out heads above water now without 2 incomes. I'm completely freaked out about it, and feeling miserable for poor BooBoo. The other kids have always had me. I have been home with them every day of their entire lives. The Boo isn't going to have that, and if I do end up pregnant (which again, is looking highly unlikely) then that baby won't even know me. I wouldn't even be able to breastfeed. that makes me profoundly sad. Maybe that's why God didn't allow a child to come into the world right now. Well, among other things. I believe to an extent that these trials were sent to me as tough love. I won't say punishment, because I don't think God works that way. All I know, is it has been a while since I have been in a position to be blessed by the Lord, and that my friends is on me.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
It's Over...
I had some cramping and bloating today and yesterday, and so I believe that's it! I wish I had been temping to be sure, but honestly... deciding to try this last time was sort of a last minute thing. So there wasn't a whole lot of preparation to be had.
I'm going to try not to stress out too much about it and just let the chips fall where they may. We'll see what actually happens though lol. Tony is a little back and forth right now, but it's understandable. It's always different for dads. I know that he does want to have a baby though. It's not one of those things where the woman is just going insane with baby fever, and the husband doesn't really want a baby but goes along with it anyway. At least I hope it isn't. Tony has this terrible habit of trying to give me everything that I want without taking into consideration how it will effect him. It kills me sometimes, it really does. I wonder how in the world I ended up with such a man. I sincerely do not deserve him.
Anyway, I'm counting down the days until I can take a test. I'm going to have to fight the urge to buy out all of the pregnancy tests at the Dollar Tree to feed the need to POAS (pee on a stick). Unplanned pregnancies are so much easier. One day you're just late and so you take a test, and bam... bliss. Planned pregnancies are so much harder because you're worried that things won't work out, you're counting down the days until you know for sure, you're driving yourself crazy, and then at the end (if you're not pregnant) then you wonder what's wrong with you that you could't do the most basic animal thing... reproduce.
I have been so nervous, I've barely been eating. I have been trying to balance things out though so that if there is a baby I'm getting enough nutrients to support it, but even if I ovulated yesterday, it will be another 5-10 days until implantation would happen... so I guess worrying about the well being of the baby at this point is kind of moot. I did eat 2 chocolate chip cookies though. They were worth it.
This is what I ate today
6" Oven Roasted Chicken Breast sub
apple
Special K Honey and Oat cereal with FF milk
4 oz (well, 3.8) turkey burger (no bun) with FF cheese, and broccoli
2 chocolate chip cookies.
Wow, looking at that makes me cringe a little. There's NO WAY that's enough food. Ugh. Maybe I will find something else yummy and wholesome to eat before I turn in. But I'm not really all that hungry so maybe not. Damn nervous tummy.
I'm going to try not to stress out too much about it and just let the chips fall where they may. We'll see what actually happens though lol. Tony is a little back and forth right now, but it's understandable. It's always different for dads. I know that he does want to have a baby though. It's not one of those things where the woman is just going insane with baby fever, and the husband doesn't really want a baby but goes along with it anyway. At least I hope it isn't. Tony has this terrible habit of trying to give me everything that I want without taking into consideration how it will effect him. It kills me sometimes, it really does. I wonder how in the world I ended up with such a man. I sincerely do not deserve him.
Anyway, I'm counting down the days until I can take a test. I'm going to have to fight the urge to buy out all of the pregnancy tests at the Dollar Tree to feed the need to POAS (pee on a stick). Unplanned pregnancies are so much easier. One day you're just late and so you take a test, and bam... bliss. Planned pregnancies are so much harder because you're worried that things won't work out, you're counting down the days until you know for sure, you're driving yourself crazy, and then at the end (if you're not pregnant) then you wonder what's wrong with you that you could't do the most basic animal thing... reproduce.
I have been so nervous, I've barely been eating. I have been trying to balance things out though so that if there is a baby I'm getting enough nutrients to support it, but even if I ovulated yesterday, it will be another 5-10 days until implantation would happen... so I guess worrying about the well being of the baby at this point is kind of moot. I did eat 2 chocolate chip cookies though. They were worth it.
This is what I ate today
6" Oven Roasted Chicken Breast sub
apple
Special K Honey and Oat cereal with FF milk
4 oz (well, 3.8) turkey burger (no bun) with FF cheese, and broccoli
2 chocolate chip cookies.
Wow, looking at that makes me cringe a little. There's NO WAY that's enough food. Ugh. Maybe I will find something else yummy and wholesome to eat before I turn in. But I'm not really all that hungry so maybe not. Damn nervous tummy.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Into the 2WW...
At least I hope. The 2WW (2 week wait) is the dreaded phase between ovulation and the onset of your period in which you go TOTALLY INSANE making up imaginary pregnancy symptoms and wondering if every twinge and cramp means something. I'm not entirely sure of when (or if) I ovulated, so I'm assuming that I'm in the 2WW now. If everything goes well, I should be able to take a pregnancy test around Tony and my anniversary which would be awesome... but with the possibility of disappointment (along with the cost of pregnancy tests) I may just wait until I think I'm late. I say "think" because, again, I'm not entirely sure on my dates. I'm hopeful, but not entirely sure. I did cover my bases as far as my normal cycle length is concerned, so I should be okay. I feel like I gave it 100%. But sometimes when you want something so bad, it's hard to push away all of the second guessing. I wouldn't have done anything different though, and I don't want to continue to "try" anymore. I think at this point it would just be unneccessary. And besides, I prefer sex for fun anyway ;)
In other news, I still haven't been back to the gym yet. I thought about going today, but with the childwatch schedule being different on Saturdays, that's not going to happen. I will be going back soon though. Especially if I do get pregnant, because it's really good for me and baby to be exercising. I worked out through my pregnancy with Aaron and felt amazing the whole time. My diet has been a little "eh." I haven't tracked a single thing I've eaten but I have been limiting things for the most part. And without the pressure in my head to succeed, I have been able to take a taste of things I like (ex. the donut Tony bought me today <3 ) without really eating it. I don't think I'm over my eating disorder, but being a mother makes things less difficult for me because I know what a binge would do to my potential child. And I feel like I need to protect my body, because it's (hopefully) housing something far more precious than any food I could think of.
I just hope this works, I really truly, completely hope that this works. I just can't try again. It's not worth the price we're paying to try again.
In other news, I still haven't been back to the gym yet. I thought about going today, but with the childwatch schedule being different on Saturdays, that's not going to happen. I will be going back soon though. Especially if I do get pregnant, because it's really good for me and baby to be exercising. I worked out through my pregnancy with Aaron and felt amazing the whole time. My diet has been a little "eh." I haven't tracked a single thing I've eaten but I have been limiting things for the most part. And without the pressure in my head to succeed, I have been able to take a taste of things I like (ex. the donut Tony bought me today <3 ) without really eating it. I don't think I'm over my eating disorder, but being a mother makes things less difficult for me because I know what a binge would do to my potential child. And I feel like I need to protect my body, because it's (hopefully) housing something far more precious than any food I could think of.
I just hope this works, I really truly, completely hope that this works. I just can't try again. It's not worth the price we're paying to try again.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Well...
I gave it my best shot. I'm either going to end up pregnant at the end of this month, or not. But I can say that (based on my calculations lol) I gave it the best chance that I could. And now it's a waiting game... again. I just hope that my cycle is regular. I'm going to cross my fingers and hope and pray for the best outcome.
I've been thinking though, with everything going on, I may not telling anyone I'm pregnant. At least not for a while. That is *if* I managed to get knocked up. With our loss still so fresh, and some of the turmoil that could come of sharing the news, I'm wondering if making a phone call in 9 months to tell everyone about their new ::insert relation here:: has arrived would be the better option. Who knows?
As far as my dieting goes, I'm holding out pretty well. I did have a bowl of ice cream last night though while Tony and I indulged in an episode of the best reality show ever... So You Think You Can Dance. We have watched it since it first started, and still love it. Anyway, the ice cream was remarkably lackluster. What I mean is, it has lost some of its appeal to me. I hardly finished my bowl, I didn't go back for seconds (unheard of) and then I ended up with a tummy ache. So it's sitting, untouched in my freezer right now. And it's not even calling out to me right now. I think that the thought of getting pregnant has filled the hole I generally fill with food, for now.
I am stressing out about Tony though. He's not sleeping much, not that I blame him with all of the stress he's under, but it's really getting worrysome. He is a truck driver and I'm terrified that he's going to fall asleep and kill himself, or someone else. He has actually hit someone with his car before.... twice. Thankfully neither of those people were hurt, but that was only by the grace of God. His reaction time is slipping and that's not going to work. I wish that he could sleep. Well, I wish that he would just find another job, somewhere far away so we can leave this place.
On an unrelated note, we looked at a house the other day. It was perfect for us. It was the right price, it was big enough for our rather large family, and it had so many of my 'must haves' in a house. I'm seriously bummed that there isn't anything we can do about it. It's a bank owned property, so that means it goes to investors in a few short days, and we can't even put in an offer, because our house won't sell. It's frustrating. You may look at us and think that we have it all figured out from the outside, but it's just not true. We fight tooth and nail to pay the bills, rarely pay them on time and it wears on us. It seems like we owe everyone money. There's even an outstanding lawsuit on us which is keeping us from being able to finance anything. All of our money is tied up in our home, and we're barely treading water right now. That's another reason we're selling. Hopefully we will take the difference between the sale price of our house and the purchase price of a new home and be able to get out of debt. We would be living just fine if it weren't for the justice system screwing us when we sold our last home.
We were going to take Andie out of cheerleading to ease the burden, but I couldn't do it. When I was little, I was a dancer. I lived for dance, I was good, and I could have been great. But my mom fell on hard times and pulled me out. That started a pattern of her putting me into things to fill the void, only to pull me out (or guilt me into quitting) for the remainder of my childhood. I think that's part of the reason I can't finish anything I start. So, when I see Andie love this so much, I can't imagine taking it from her. For now, we're making it work so I am not complaining. We are so blessed, so I try not to take that for granted. I have an amazing husband and 4 amazing children and we're all together and happy. Some people aren't fortunate enough to say that. So, I won't complain. It will all work out, it always does. In the meantime, I will be hopeful that we can add just one more little monster to the brood, and continue to live in bliss. Or blissful ignorance... either way.
I've been thinking though, with everything going on, I may not telling anyone I'm pregnant. At least not for a while. That is *if* I managed to get knocked up. With our loss still so fresh, and some of the turmoil that could come of sharing the news, I'm wondering if making a phone call in 9 months to tell everyone about their new ::insert relation here:: has arrived would be the better option. Who knows?
As far as my dieting goes, I'm holding out pretty well. I did have a bowl of ice cream last night though while Tony and I indulged in an episode of the best reality show ever... So You Think You Can Dance. We have watched it since it first started, and still love it. Anyway, the ice cream was remarkably lackluster. What I mean is, it has lost some of its appeal to me. I hardly finished my bowl, I didn't go back for seconds (unheard of) and then I ended up with a tummy ache. So it's sitting, untouched in my freezer right now. And it's not even calling out to me right now. I think that the thought of getting pregnant has filled the hole I generally fill with food, for now.
I am stressing out about Tony though. He's not sleeping much, not that I blame him with all of the stress he's under, but it's really getting worrysome. He is a truck driver and I'm terrified that he's going to fall asleep and kill himself, or someone else. He has actually hit someone with his car before.... twice. Thankfully neither of those people were hurt, but that was only by the grace of God. His reaction time is slipping and that's not going to work. I wish that he could sleep. Well, I wish that he would just find another job, somewhere far away so we can leave this place.
On an unrelated note, we looked at a house the other day. It was perfect for us. It was the right price, it was big enough for our rather large family, and it had so many of my 'must haves' in a house. I'm seriously bummed that there isn't anything we can do about it. It's a bank owned property, so that means it goes to investors in a few short days, and we can't even put in an offer, because our house won't sell. It's frustrating. You may look at us and think that we have it all figured out from the outside, but it's just not true. We fight tooth and nail to pay the bills, rarely pay them on time and it wears on us. It seems like we owe everyone money. There's even an outstanding lawsuit on us which is keeping us from being able to finance anything. All of our money is tied up in our home, and we're barely treading water right now. That's another reason we're selling. Hopefully we will take the difference between the sale price of our house and the purchase price of a new home and be able to get out of debt. We would be living just fine if it weren't for the justice system screwing us when we sold our last home.
We were going to take Andie out of cheerleading to ease the burden, but I couldn't do it. When I was little, I was a dancer. I lived for dance, I was good, and I could have been great. But my mom fell on hard times and pulled me out. That started a pattern of her putting me into things to fill the void, only to pull me out (or guilt me into quitting) for the remainder of my childhood. I think that's part of the reason I can't finish anything I start. So, when I see Andie love this so much, I can't imagine taking it from her. For now, we're making it work so I am not complaining. We are so blessed, so I try not to take that for granted. I have an amazing husband and 4 amazing children and we're all together and happy. Some people aren't fortunate enough to say that. So, I won't complain. It will all work out, it always does. In the meantime, I will be hopeful that we can add just one more little monster to the brood, and continue to live in bliss. Or blissful ignorance... either way.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
No Pressure....
That title sort of has a double meaning for me today. On one hand, I have totally forgotten about my weight. I basically said fuck it for right now and am just eating whatever, and I'm quite shocked at how little that is. I eat clean through the day and then have a little of whatever I make the kids for dinner. I've lost about 7 pounds, but honestly it was probably superficial anyway considering I have wiped out CiCi's twice in recent weeks.(I love pizza). I am a little bummed about not being able to go to the gym lately, but I had a drug resistant staph infection (yummy, right?) So I stayed at home so I can keep it to myself.
On the other hand, that's a very sarcastic "no pressure." Tony and I decided to give one last ditch effort to get pregnant. The timing has to be perfect though, and I'm not sure that it is. But we took a shot at it and now I just have to pray that its a regular cycle for me. If its not, then I'm out of luck for now. I can't try again for about a year, and that's not an attractive option for me. I don't want to be that close to 30 when having another child. That, and my desire to have another baby is part of the reason I haven't been able to commit to a diet. I want another child, and to chase my perfect body only to wreck it again seems counterproductive. So I was waiting until the last Angel baby was born. But if this doesn't work, I need to think seriously about giving up on having another baby in favor of living a different part of my life.
On the other hand, that's a very sarcastic "no pressure." Tony and I decided to give one last ditch effort to get pregnant. The timing has to be perfect though, and I'm not sure that it is. But we took a shot at it and now I just have to pray that its a regular cycle for me. If its not, then I'm out of luck for now. I can't try again for about a year, and that's not an attractive option for me. I don't want to be that close to 30 when having another child. That, and my desire to have another baby is part of the reason I haven't been able to commit to a diet. I want another child, and to chase my perfect body only to wreck it again seems counterproductive. So I was waiting until the last Angel baby was born. But if this doesn't work, I need to think seriously about giving up on having another baby in favor of living a different part of my life.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
How It's Going...
... Admittedly, not so great. Monday was okay, Tuesday I felt like I could conquer the world, Wednesday I was tired and didn't get all of my cardio in, which led into today... B-I-N-G-E. Ugh. Yes, again. I haven't even been able to get through one single week yet! I'm so pissed off at myself it's absolutely outrageous. I just feel like I am drowning, but no one can pull me out of the water.
I honestly want to move on in this sport, I really really do, but the baby thing has my head in a strange place. I know that I shouldn't have any more children. I even get this nagging feeling when I say that I want more, like my brain is trying to tell me that it's a bad idea. I mean, I have a hard enough time with the four that I have. But somewhere inside of me is this need to have another child. I don't know where it comes from, and I wish I could make it STOP! Having another baby is a terrible idea! My attention and patience is stretched thin enough as it is. I'm already screwing up 4 lives, why add another to the mix? Is it genetic? Biological? I can't figure out where it comes from. And as long as I keep longing for another child, it's going to be beyond difficult to commit to my goals. I wish I could just afford the tummy tuck and then the baby option would come off the table. Maybe that's best with the problems I've had with my last 3 pregnancies, lost twin, placenta previa/c-section, and miscarriage. Maybe God is trying to say "No more babies for YOU!" I don't know.
My food today was pretty bad (and I hope my husband doesn't kill me for this... or say anything about it at all really). I ate 2 bowls of honey combs cereal, about 3 packs of peanut butter crackers (maybe 4, I can't remember), 4 packs of fruit snacks, 2 popsicles, a turkey cheeseburger on a white bun with ketchup, a grilled cheese sandwich, 1/2 a peanut butter sandwich, whatever BooBoo left on his plate after lunch, a few handfuls each of pretzels and goldfish crackers, a bag of popcorn, 2 apples, a king size peanut butter Twix, and an Asiago Chicken sandwich from Wendy's with fries. I think that's all? I'm not really sure. I know that's a lot of food but it doesn't even begin to touch one of my full blown binges. You know how I know? Because I can still move. My exercise for the day, you may ask? Well, I did a lot of reps... extend arm, retrieve food, place in mouth, repeat...
:::sigh::: I fail at life.
All I can do is start fresh in the morning really. Be honest... move on. So tomorrow, I will weigh in. I will share my weight, and I will repeat this practice on a weekly basis. I will encourage anyone reading this, who is also struggling to do the same. I am going to set my weightloss goals for every 4 weeks (as in, I way XXX.XX this week, I want to weight XXX.XX in 4 weeks). Also, each 4 weeks I will post a picture of myself, however unflattering (and oh will it be unflattering!) to hopefully document my changes. And with any luck, this will be a "for better or for worse" kind of thing. So if I screw it up, well, you get to see it. I'm already nervous. But I hope that i can make some changes over time.... how much time will be the question.
I honestly want to move on in this sport, I really really do, but the baby thing has my head in a strange place. I know that I shouldn't have any more children. I even get this nagging feeling when I say that I want more, like my brain is trying to tell me that it's a bad idea. I mean, I have a hard enough time with the four that I have. But somewhere inside of me is this need to have another child. I don't know where it comes from, and I wish I could make it STOP! Having another baby is a terrible idea! My attention and patience is stretched thin enough as it is. I'm already screwing up 4 lives, why add another to the mix? Is it genetic? Biological? I can't figure out where it comes from. And as long as I keep longing for another child, it's going to be beyond difficult to commit to my goals. I wish I could just afford the tummy tuck and then the baby option would come off the table. Maybe that's best with the problems I've had with my last 3 pregnancies, lost twin, placenta previa/c-section, and miscarriage. Maybe God is trying to say "No more babies for YOU!" I don't know.
My food today was pretty bad (and I hope my husband doesn't kill me for this... or say anything about it at all really). I ate 2 bowls of honey combs cereal, about 3 packs of peanut butter crackers (maybe 4, I can't remember), 4 packs of fruit snacks, 2 popsicles, a turkey cheeseburger on a white bun with ketchup, a grilled cheese sandwich, 1/2 a peanut butter sandwich, whatever BooBoo left on his plate after lunch, a few handfuls each of pretzels and goldfish crackers, a bag of popcorn, 2 apples, a king size peanut butter Twix, and an Asiago Chicken sandwich from Wendy's with fries. I think that's all? I'm not really sure. I know that's a lot of food but it doesn't even begin to touch one of my full blown binges. You know how I know? Because I can still move. My exercise for the day, you may ask? Well, I did a lot of reps... extend arm, retrieve food, place in mouth, repeat...
:::sigh::: I fail at life.
All I can do is start fresh in the morning really. Be honest... move on. So tomorrow, I will weigh in. I will share my weight, and I will repeat this practice on a weekly basis. I will encourage anyone reading this, who is also struggling to do the same. I am going to set my weightloss goals for every 4 weeks (as in, I way XXX.XX this week, I want to weight XXX.XX in 4 weeks). Also, each 4 weeks I will post a picture of myself, however unflattering (and oh will it be unflattering!) to hopefully document my changes. And with any luck, this will be a "for better or for worse" kind of thing. So if I screw it up, well, you get to see it. I'm already nervous. But I hope that i can make some changes over time.... how much time will be the question.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Eff This Day...
I'm supposed to be doing a ton of cardio today, but so far I have only done one round. I think I will do intervals on Tue bike today because I'm too tired to run today. This has been a sleepy day in general. I even took a nap, but it didn't help. I'm in that first month of my diet so I'm just a little overcome with depression. There's nothing wrong, per se, I'm just depressed in general as my body adjusts to living without the happiness food brings me. Of course, having this insane baby fever doesn't help. I'm trying to forget about it move on, but its very hard. I know that having a baby is impossible, and a bad idea in general, but I still can't help this feeling. And now, I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Tony says he can handle talking about it, but I know better. And I can't have us both being depressed. I think my depression alone is plenty.
I'm only on day 3 of my diet and I'm really trying to stay on track, but its very hard. I want to do it, but on the other hand, I don't. I can't explain it. The allure of food is a lot to deal with, and the strictness of my diet makes it more difficult. But I have a problem with moderation, so strict is the only way this will work for me. Otherwise, I end up going too far, eating out too much, or just pigging out in general. I should go get the cardio out of the way before I decide its not worth it.
I'm only on day 3 of my diet and I'm really trying to stay on track, but its very hard. I want to do it, but on the other hand, I don't. I can't explain it. The allure of food is a lot to deal with, and the strictness of my diet makes it more difficult. But I have a problem with moderation, so strict is the only way this will work for me. Otherwise, I end up going too far, eating out too much, or just pigging out in general. I should go get the cardio out of the way before I decide its not worth it.
Monday, June 13, 2011
So, I'm going to try this thing called accountability. It worked the last time I was on this journey, so let's see where it leads me this time.
I managed to work out today. I had a really bad week last week, though I did manage to work in a few workouts, but by Saturday I was too down on myself to go to my Zumba class. Instead, I sought solace in a steak egg and cheese bagel. The worst thing is that I know better. I lose weight like a champ when I want to because I know all of the rules and follow them to a 'T'. The problem is I also gain weight like a champ because I'm literally addicted to food. When I was younger I thought that food addiction was a load of crap. It was a crutch created by fat people to justify their eating habits and claim that they had no control. And then, I faced it myself. After losing Aidan's twin, the endorphin rush that came from eating was the only thing that would lift my mood... and then I became entirely dependent on it over time. I forgot how to be happy without food.
I didn't realize how bad the problem was until I started trying to lose the weight. I would start over and start over, and the longer I went between binges, the more depressed I would get. Then, when I would finally cave, I would be giddy about all of the food I would eat. Then I would eat... and eat... and eat. I would eat up to, and then past the point of physical pain. I would get so bad that I couldn't move at all, because if I so much as leaned over my ribs would feel like I would break from the volume of food that I had stuffed under them. I just assumed that when someone would say "I binged," that they were eating the same thing. I was very very wrong.
If I wrote down things that were eaten in one of my binges, you would be appalled. You know, this is about accountability, so I will go ahead and share... brace yourself: (note; this is one meal)
2 chocolate cake donuts
3 large slices of pizza
burger and fries meal from Sonic
ice cream sundae
the majority of two 1/4 size sheet cakes
2 bowls of ice cream
King Size PB Twix
That was one meal. And I have had meals like that countless times. I am trying to fix it, and I do a good job for a while, but then I lose it again. I have gained and lost the same 20 pounds about 4 times... maybe 5. I bounce from 145-165 regularly. And while I haven't let it get beyond that point yet (having once weighed 235 pounds). I can feel myself slowly losing control since the miscarriage. I'm trying to get back on track... and I'm hoping to be as successful as I was this last time. It was a hard battle, but eventually, I was able to push through the depression, and find happiness outside of food. But then I lost it again. I have faced so many challenges in my life since I was happy back in February and March. But I'm trying to get back there. It's going to take a lot of physical, mental and emotional work though.
I'm doing it though. I woke up this morning and did 30 minutes of cardio, then weights + 30 more minutes of cardio, and then later... one last cardio session for the day. Wish me luck, I just want to get back to a place where I'm not ashamed to admit that I have big goals... or any goals for that matter.
I managed to work out today. I had a really bad week last week, though I did manage to work in a few workouts, but by Saturday I was too down on myself to go to my Zumba class. Instead, I sought solace in a steak egg and cheese bagel. The worst thing is that I know better. I lose weight like a champ when I want to because I know all of the rules and follow them to a 'T'. The problem is I also gain weight like a champ because I'm literally addicted to food. When I was younger I thought that food addiction was a load of crap. It was a crutch created by fat people to justify their eating habits and claim that they had no control. And then, I faced it myself. After losing Aidan's twin, the endorphin rush that came from eating was the only thing that would lift my mood... and then I became entirely dependent on it over time. I forgot how to be happy without food.
I didn't realize how bad the problem was until I started trying to lose the weight. I would start over and start over, and the longer I went between binges, the more depressed I would get. Then, when I would finally cave, I would be giddy about all of the food I would eat. Then I would eat... and eat... and eat. I would eat up to, and then past the point of physical pain. I would get so bad that I couldn't move at all, because if I so much as leaned over my ribs would feel like I would break from the volume of food that I had stuffed under them. I just assumed that when someone would say "I binged," that they were eating the same thing. I was very very wrong.
If I wrote down things that were eaten in one of my binges, you would be appalled. You know, this is about accountability, so I will go ahead and share... brace yourself: (note; this is one meal)
2 chocolate cake donuts
3 large slices of pizza
burger and fries meal from Sonic
ice cream sundae
the majority of two 1/4 size sheet cakes
2 bowls of ice cream
King Size PB Twix
That was one meal. And I have had meals like that countless times. I am trying to fix it, and I do a good job for a while, but then I lose it again. I have gained and lost the same 20 pounds about 4 times... maybe 5. I bounce from 145-165 regularly. And while I haven't let it get beyond that point yet (having once weighed 235 pounds). I can feel myself slowly losing control since the miscarriage. I'm trying to get back on track... and I'm hoping to be as successful as I was this last time. It was a hard battle, but eventually, I was able to push through the depression, and find happiness outside of food. But then I lost it again. I have faced so many challenges in my life since I was happy back in February and March. But I'm trying to get back there. It's going to take a lot of physical, mental and emotional work though.
I'm doing it though. I woke up this morning and did 30 minutes of cardio, then weights + 30 more minutes of cardio, and then later... one last cardio session for the day. Wish me luck, I just want to get back to a place where I'm not ashamed to admit that I have big goals... or any goals for that matter.
Day 1... Again
I just haven't been able to get my groove back after the miscarriage. I keep trying to work through it, and get back into the swing of my life, but honestly I keep most of it bottled up. No one except for Tony and a few random people even knew about the pregnancy, so I don't really have a venue to talk about it. But I did get up today and clean up my diet (wish I could say the same for my house... but that will come) and got to the gym. I signed up for a couple classes so that I would be forced to leave the house. Otherwise, I would be wasting 10 bucks per class! Can't have that now can we?
So, I get to the gym tonight, and I mainly keep my eyes on the floor and hope that no one will recognize me, 20 pounds heavier and with next to no hair... but no luck. The resident gorgeous gym rat walked right up to me and Tony and said "hey where have you been?" I of course blurted out the honest truth about the miscarriage, partially because the question surprised me and I didn't have time to lie, and partially because it would explain away my absence and weight gain. Win, win right? Ugh. She has never talked to us before... ever. And she intimidates me. Me! I have never been intimidated in my life! Much less by a 5'3" 115pound girl! With little effort my ass could probably knock her unconcious if she was standing too close in a Zumba class. But she is everything that I want to be. She's even training for the same goal that I have... only when she says "I'm training for a figure competition," it's not as laughable as it is when I say it. So, I dont' say it anymore. I'm not training for anything. I have no goals... less pressure to succeed that way.
But the big blow came from a couple of douchey college guys. You know the ones who hang out at the gym, lift for hours a day but never break a sweat, and maintain perfectly gelled hair. The ones who high five each other after every set, and refer to one another as "Bro". I can't fucking stand those guys. And today, they had something to say about me. Apparently, I look enough like a woman, even without my hair that they noticed... however they didn't think I'd been one long. They said I had to have been a recent post-op transsexual. Fantastic.
I can assure you, I have had a vagina my whole life. It came with ovaries, and I know how to use them!
So, I get to the gym tonight, and I mainly keep my eyes on the floor and hope that no one will recognize me, 20 pounds heavier and with next to no hair... but no luck. The resident gorgeous gym rat walked right up to me and Tony and said "hey where have you been?" I of course blurted out the honest truth about the miscarriage, partially because the question surprised me and I didn't have time to lie, and partially because it would explain away my absence and weight gain. Win, win right? Ugh. She has never talked to us before... ever. And she intimidates me. Me! I have never been intimidated in my life! Much less by a 5'3" 115pound girl! With little effort my ass could probably knock her unconcious if she was standing too close in a Zumba class. But she is everything that I want to be. She's even training for the same goal that I have... only when she says "I'm training for a figure competition," it's not as laughable as it is when I say it. So, I dont' say it anymore. I'm not training for anything. I have no goals... less pressure to succeed that way.
But the big blow came from a couple of douchey college guys. You know the ones who hang out at the gym, lift for hours a day but never break a sweat, and maintain perfectly gelled hair. The ones who high five each other after every set, and refer to one another as "Bro". I can't fucking stand those guys. And today, they had something to say about me. Apparently, I look enough like a woman, even without my hair that they noticed... however they didn't think I'd been one long. They said I had to have been a recent post-op transsexual. Fantastic.
I can assure you, I have had a vagina my whole life. It came with ovaries, and I know how to use them!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Thinking, thinking, thinking...
It seems like all I do is think. I think about what I want, what I don't want, who I am, who I want to be, what I would do if I won the lottery.... The list goes on.
Today I'm thinking about my future. I got a little bummed that all of the educational assistant jobs with the local school are filled. I don't know why. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to go back to work this year, not even next year... not even the year after that, but still, it feels like a missed opportunity. Maybe it's just because it feels like the one thing I can actually do, and I'm chomping at the bit to get there?
I always wanted to be a teacher. I have tried year after year to go back to college, but that is where the "being a statstic" comes in. Sure, I graduated high school, married the father of my kids, and bought my first house when I was a teenager... all of those things make me the exception, not the rule. But where my college education is concerned, you can still see "TEEN MOM" written across my forehead. It's my Moby Dick. I will probably chase that goal [college graduate] for my entire life.
It's not that I'm not smart... I would kick Jeopardy's ass! However, my kids (my house, my husband, etc.) need so much from me that I just can't cope with the workload. College is about 25% learning in the classroom, and 75% figuring it out on your own at home. You do the discussing with your professors and peers, but a lot of time, you can get away with never making it to a single class and still pass. That's how little you actually do in the classroom. Now, consider the fact that I come home to a house to clean, dinner to cook, caravanning the kids to and from school/sports, the grocery store, and a husband + four kids to chase to bed. Now you can see while being an educational assistant is the next best thing for me. I get to work in the school with the kids, but I don't need a degree. Also, I don't have to make lessons plans, which is also a plus for someone as busy as I am.
While, I wouldn't trade my family for anything, I sometimes I wish I had gotten my life order right. Then this wouldn't be an issue. I wouldn't be a useless 26 year old woman lol.
On the diet and exercise front, things are okay so far. I'm only a few days in, but I'm cresting the hump now. I have been getting my running in, and my diet is looking pretty perfect as of right now. I feel strong, but I know that in a few weeks, I will hit the wall and have to bust through. Having a planned cheat meal will help that. Although, it's about 7 weeks away.
I went out for my first road run since March, and today I feel like I got hit by a truck! I forgot how hard it was. I made great time for my actual running, but I had to stop and stretch for a second on the last mile of my run because my legs were SCREAMING at me that they were done. I made it though. And I know that I will only continue to improve.
Losing weight is really hard and a lot of the time I find myself thinking "God, can you please just make this easy? Can you just make me skinny?" I know it's only been 4 days, but sometimes I just want to quit and go back to my old habits because it's just easier that way. I have this goal in my head, and I'm just not sure it's possible for me to get there. We'll see though. At least I can say that I'm going about it the right way. I'm about 40 pounds away from my goal, and chipping away at it every day. But I have never in my life been as light/small as I want to be. I don't know if my body can go the distance. Also, I don't know if I will pull a Kailee (from Biggest Loser) and decide that my body is "just done losing weight" when it gets hard. I know that once I hit the 130's I will start to feel contentment. I can see myself throwing my arms up in the air at that point and saying "well, this is just as good as it's going to get." But maybe it's not? I've never pushed myself before to get past that point. And I haven't been in the 130's since I was 16 (and I probably haven't seen the 120's since I was 12). I just want to see what life is like on the other side. My life is like a two way mirror. I've been standing on the outside looking through the glass at the beautiful people. They can't see me as they admire themselves in the mirror. But none the less, I'm still there, beating on the glass trying to break through. I want to be on the mirror side, so I can finally see myself, instead of always staring at them.
Today I'm thinking about my future. I got a little bummed that all of the educational assistant jobs with the local school are filled. I don't know why. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to go back to work this year, not even next year... not even the year after that, but still, it feels like a missed opportunity. Maybe it's just because it feels like the one thing I can actually do, and I'm chomping at the bit to get there?
I always wanted to be a teacher. I have tried year after year to go back to college, but that is where the "being a statstic" comes in. Sure, I graduated high school, married the father of my kids, and bought my first house when I was a teenager... all of those things make me the exception, not the rule. But where my college education is concerned, you can still see "TEEN MOM" written across my forehead. It's my Moby Dick. I will probably chase that goal [college graduate] for my entire life.
It's not that I'm not smart... I would kick Jeopardy's ass! However, my kids (my house, my husband, etc.) need so much from me that I just can't cope with the workload. College is about 25% learning in the classroom, and 75% figuring it out on your own at home. You do the discussing with your professors and peers, but a lot of time, you can get away with never making it to a single class and still pass. That's how little you actually do in the classroom. Now, consider the fact that I come home to a house to clean, dinner to cook, caravanning the kids to and from school/sports, the grocery store, and a husband + four kids to chase to bed. Now you can see while being an educational assistant is the next best thing for me. I get to work in the school with the kids, but I don't need a degree. Also, I don't have to make lessons plans, which is also a plus for someone as busy as I am.
While, I wouldn't trade my family for anything, I sometimes I wish I had gotten my life order right. Then this wouldn't be an issue. I wouldn't be a useless 26 year old woman lol.
On the diet and exercise front, things are okay so far. I'm only a few days in, but I'm cresting the hump now. I have been getting my running in, and my diet is looking pretty perfect as of right now. I feel strong, but I know that in a few weeks, I will hit the wall and have to bust through. Having a planned cheat meal will help that. Although, it's about 7 weeks away.
I went out for my first road run since March, and today I feel like I got hit by a truck! I forgot how hard it was. I made great time for my actual running, but I had to stop and stretch for a second on the last mile of my run because my legs were SCREAMING at me that they were done. I made it though. And I know that I will only continue to improve.
Losing weight is really hard and a lot of the time I find myself thinking "God, can you please just make this easy? Can you just make me skinny?" I know it's only been 4 days, but sometimes I just want to quit and go back to my old habits because it's just easier that way. I have this goal in my head, and I'm just not sure it's possible for me to get there. We'll see though. At least I can say that I'm going about it the right way. I'm about 40 pounds away from my goal, and chipping away at it every day. But I have never in my life been as light/small as I want to be. I don't know if my body can go the distance. Also, I don't know if I will pull a Kailee (from Biggest Loser) and decide that my body is "just done losing weight" when it gets hard. I know that once I hit the 130's I will start to feel contentment. I can see myself throwing my arms up in the air at that point and saying "well, this is just as good as it's going to get." But maybe it's not? I've never pushed myself before to get past that point. And I haven't been in the 130's since I was 16 (and I probably haven't seen the 120's since I was 12). I just want to see what life is like on the other side. My life is like a two way mirror. I've been standing on the outside looking through the glass at the beautiful people. They can't see me as they admire themselves in the mirror. But none the less, I'm still there, beating on the glass trying to break through. I want to be on the mirror side, so I can finally see myself, instead of always staring at them.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Can't Sleep
I can't seem to sleep tonight, so I'm up. I have a lot on my mind, and I'm not sure if this is the best venue to vent it all.
Let me start off by saying that my life isn't terrible. A lot of the time, I rather enjoy it. I have a husband who adores me (can't figure out why!) and 4 kids that are amazing 99.9% of the time (the other 0.01% being Aidan), a wonderful home, and cable tv! So yeah, I've pretty much got it all. I guess maybe that's why my weight is such an issue. No one can truly have it all, can they? There has to be some sort of balance right? And this is my balance. I hate my monstrosity of a body. I'm trying to work through that, but so far, no luck.
I went back through the OA 12 steps tonight and wondered about the making amends part for a while. Who would I apologize to? My husband for not wanting to have sex with him? My kids for inundating them with my body image issues? My boyfriend in junior high who I dumped because I figured he would just dump me anyway because I was fat? Really... who am I truly hurting besides myself? Do I apologize to me?
Hey Chrissy, about the whole agoraphobia [brought on by your weight] thing that's ruining your life... yeah, sorry."
I just don't know. Some people say that weight is the crutch. That normal people don't just eat like I do sometimes. There must be some deep seeded issue that is causing me to do this to myself. Well, if that's the case, then I would like to know what it is. I want more than anything to be happy. Like I said, perfect husband, perfect kids, perfect life... compulsive overeating. Where's the bridge there?
I don't know. I guess I'm just so confused about the whole thing. They say that weight loss doesn't really solve the problem, but I'm thinking that for me... it will.
Let me start off by saying that my life isn't terrible. A lot of the time, I rather enjoy it. I have a husband who adores me (can't figure out why!) and 4 kids that are amazing 99.9% of the time (the other 0.01% being Aidan), a wonderful home, and cable tv! So yeah, I've pretty much got it all. I guess maybe that's why my weight is such an issue. No one can truly have it all, can they? There has to be some sort of balance right? And this is my balance. I hate my monstrosity of a body. I'm trying to work through that, but so far, no luck.
I went back through the OA 12 steps tonight and wondered about the making amends part for a while. Who would I apologize to? My husband for not wanting to have sex with him? My kids for inundating them with my body image issues? My boyfriend in junior high who I dumped because I figured he would just dump me anyway because I was fat? Really... who am I truly hurting besides myself? Do I apologize to me?
Hey Chrissy, about the whole agoraphobia [brought on by your weight] thing that's ruining your life... yeah, sorry."
I just don't know. Some people say that weight is the crutch. That normal people don't just eat like I do sometimes. There must be some deep seeded issue that is causing me to do this to myself. Well, if that's the case, then I would like to know what it is. I want more than anything to be happy. Like I said, perfect husband, perfect kids, perfect life... compulsive overeating. Where's the bridge there?
I don't know. I guess I'm just so confused about the whole thing. They say that weight loss doesn't really solve the problem, but I'm thinking that for me... it will.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
I just feel like a plague on the Earth. Like a hideous monstrosity set loose to torture humanity. People must look at me and think dear God what is that horrible disfigured creature and why do you let it endure? I can't keep feeling this way... but I will never overcome this, never. I cannot solve this problem... I can't fix it. I can only hide inside myself so fewer people have to deal with me.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Every Time...
I just have this issue with Weight Watchers... I love it, I truly do, but it's something that anyone can do, and that is a mental block for me. I want so badly to be exceptional that any time that I'm not trying to be better than the average person, I don't know what to do. I get on the message boards and it's a whole bunch of mundane crap, and people wanting advice on why they're not losing weight and I want to shake them and say "this is the right way." The only issue with that is I'm exactly like them... only I HAVE all of the answers and just not the wherewithal to stick to it and stay sane. So, then I get all bummed out. It's like knowing the secret to happiness and just shrugging, that's great and all, I will try to be happy later, right now doesn't work for me.
Anyway, I've actually found a little happiness lately! Tony has decided that he's going to run a half marathon with me. Which. Is. Awesome! I'm so excited that he's actually putting his money where his mouth is and making a change. It makes me want to stick it out so we can support each other... something that has been lacking in our marriage up until now. He's usually the one supporting me, but in this, it's mutual. We get to lift each other up, and I like the way that feels. I don't know how he feels about it though. He's not really used to me trying to lift him up where diet and exercise are concerned lol. That's sort of his forte.
Oh, and I dyed my hair back to its natural color last night. So far, I hate it. But it's going to be adjustment after having it blonde for so long. I'm just so tired of having unhealthy hair that preemptively breaks at the sight of a hair brush. I want to have long hair again, and for that to happen, I have to stop damaging it. So that's big news, right? Eh. My life is boring.
Anyway, I've actually found a little happiness lately! Tony has decided that he's going to run a half marathon with me. Which. Is. Awesome! I'm so excited that he's actually putting his money where his mouth is and making a change. It makes me want to stick it out so we can support each other... something that has been lacking in our marriage up until now. He's usually the one supporting me, but in this, it's mutual. We get to lift each other up, and I like the way that feels. I don't know how he feels about it though. He's not really used to me trying to lift him up where diet and exercise are concerned lol. That's sort of his forte.
Oh, and I dyed my hair back to its natural color last night. So far, I hate it. But it's going to be adjustment after having it blonde for so long. I'm just so tired of having unhealthy hair that preemptively breaks at the sight of a hair brush. I want to have long hair again, and for that to happen, I have to stop damaging it. So that's big news, right? Eh. My life is boring.
Friday, May 6, 2011
And the Dance Continues...
So it's been a few weeks since the miscarriage and I haven't totally recovered from it yet... emotionally. I'm still in a bad place and getting more and more depressed by the day. I think the shitty weather is reflecting my mood, because it hasn't stopped raining in almost 2 months. I wasn't aware that the midwest had a monsoon season, but hey, I've been wrong before.
Everyone else is living life as usual. Cheer season is starting up again, and I hope to take a more active role this year, as we are joining a new gym. I was always on the outside at the last place, so I'm hoping if I can pretend that I'm social (and get Tony to do the same) that it may actually feel like we are a part of something this time around.
The problem is, I'm in a less that social mood. I'm back in a bad place with my body... I worked my ass off for 8 weeks and got very close to what I wanted to be, but then it became apparent that I will never have the body I want, no matter how hard I work for it, and no one is exactly throwing money or free plastic surgery at me, so I quit. Now, I'm worse off than when I started. These days, it's a chore to get up in the morning at all, let alone do anything else. I don't think I've worn an outfit that couldn't double as pajamas in weeks. The worst part is that the only thing that improves my mood is food. You know all of those happy endorphins you get when you're eating? I'm pretty much living off of those right now.
I used to have all of these dreams. I used to be a person who took the odds that were stacked against me as fuel for my climb to the top. But I'm not that person anymore. I wish I were, but I've been broken. I'm not really even living anymore, so much as just existing. I don't see the point in pushing for my own dreams anymore. I'm getting too old for dreams anyway.
Today my husband had the audacity to bring up modeling. Like I'M going to be a model, How funny! I can't even dream of modeling because to be successful you have to be tall at the very least. Did you know that IMG models will not even take an application from anyone under 5'7"? No? Well, I did. I know a lot of things like that. You know why? Because I was a dreamer once. A woman who thought that I would be an actress and a singer, or anything else I wanted to be. But now I'm not that girl anymore. My husband said it best when he told me that I should move on. I think now he's just overcompensating for those words, since he knows that he was the last person who believed in me. Even when I stopped believing, he still did... until yesterday. So now he's putting up a front like he's going to push me to be what I want to be. No thank you. You were right. It's not worth it. So I will take your advice and move on. Maybe I will limit my dreams to perfecting the fake smile, getting the house cleaned and fitting in among the other cheer parents.
Everyone else is living life as usual. Cheer season is starting up again, and I hope to take a more active role this year, as we are joining a new gym. I was always on the outside at the last place, so I'm hoping if I can pretend that I'm social (and get Tony to do the same) that it may actually feel like we are a part of something this time around.
The problem is, I'm in a less that social mood. I'm back in a bad place with my body... I worked my ass off for 8 weeks and got very close to what I wanted to be, but then it became apparent that I will never have the body I want, no matter how hard I work for it, and no one is exactly throwing money or free plastic surgery at me, so I quit. Now, I'm worse off than when I started. These days, it's a chore to get up in the morning at all, let alone do anything else. I don't think I've worn an outfit that couldn't double as pajamas in weeks. The worst part is that the only thing that improves my mood is food. You know all of those happy endorphins you get when you're eating? I'm pretty much living off of those right now.
I used to have all of these dreams. I used to be a person who took the odds that were stacked against me as fuel for my climb to the top. But I'm not that person anymore. I wish I were, but I've been broken. I'm not really even living anymore, so much as just existing. I don't see the point in pushing for my own dreams anymore. I'm getting too old for dreams anyway.
Today my husband had the audacity to bring up modeling. Like I'M going to be a model, How funny! I can't even dream of modeling because to be successful you have to be tall at the very least. Did you know that IMG models will not even take an application from anyone under 5'7"? No? Well, I did. I know a lot of things like that. You know why? Because I was a dreamer once. A woman who thought that I would be an actress and a singer, or anything else I wanted to be. But now I'm not that girl anymore. My husband said it best when he told me that I should move on. I think now he's just overcompensating for those words, since he knows that he was the last person who believed in me. Even when I stopped believing, he still did... until yesterday. So now he's putting up a front like he's going to push me to be what I want to be. No thank you. You were right. It's not worth it. So I will take your advice and move on. Maybe I will limit my dreams to perfecting the fake smile, getting the house cleaned and fitting in among the other cheer parents.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
And What Exactly Does He Hope to Accomplish...
... I wonder.
My husband is checking up on my ex like a jealous lover. You would think that THEY were in a past relationship, not me. Ugh, I don't understand it. How can you ever hope to get over something if you're constantly looking for it? I mean really! I can't even look thoughtful anymore without Tony freaking out and asking me if I'm going to leave him. I could be thinking of what I want to eat, what movie I would like to see, or just generally having a moment of body induced self loathing, but instantly he thinks I'm contemplating my escape from his clutches so that I can run screaming into the arms of my ex. I could seriously scream.
Being that I have eating disorders abound, let's liken this to food, shall we? It's like you're on a diet and you're at that wonderful place where you're not really having any cravings for ice cream, you're not even thinking about ice cream, but then someone comes up to you and accuses you of thinking of ice cream! As a matter of fact they work ice cream into every conversation they have with you! Then at the end, they expect you NOT to now have ice cream on the brain. It's freaking ridiculous. I'm not thinking about my ex 98% of the time but then he gets paranoid that I'm not going off on a tangent about how I'm not thinking about my ex, so what does he do? He brings up my ex! So am I thinking about my ex? Well, sure I am! Have someone talk to you about ice cream all day and try not to think about it!
I'm just aggravated. I'm trying to get our lives back to normal, but no... he won't let that happen. He's just sitting here, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for me to leave him for this ex (and let me just tell everyone that there are a few MAJOR reasons why this guy is an ex!) and he's driving me insane with it! How is either one of us supposed to be secure in this relationship if he's constantly interrogating me for thinking about the ex that HE BROUGHT UP! He's not feeling close to me, and it is pushing me away in the process.
So, if you want to know why I'm so distant, it's because you're using him to push me away. By the way... I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a myspace, try facebook next time.
My husband is checking up on my ex like a jealous lover. You would think that THEY were in a past relationship, not me. Ugh, I don't understand it. How can you ever hope to get over something if you're constantly looking for it? I mean really! I can't even look thoughtful anymore without Tony freaking out and asking me if I'm going to leave him. I could be thinking of what I want to eat, what movie I would like to see, or just generally having a moment of body induced self loathing, but instantly he thinks I'm contemplating my escape from his clutches so that I can run screaming into the arms of my ex. I could seriously scream.
Being that I have eating disorders abound, let's liken this to food, shall we? It's like you're on a diet and you're at that wonderful place where you're not really having any cravings for ice cream, you're not even thinking about ice cream, but then someone comes up to you and accuses you of thinking of ice cream! As a matter of fact they work ice cream into every conversation they have with you! Then at the end, they expect you NOT to now have ice cream on the brain. It's freaking ridiculous. I'm not thinking about my ex 98% of the time but then he gets paranoid that I'm not going off on a tangent about how I'm not thinking about my ex, so what does he do? He brings up my ex! So am I thinking about my ex? Well, sure I am! Have someone talk to you about ice cream all day and try not to think about it!
I'm just aggravated. I'm trying to get our lives back to normal, but no... he won't let that happen. He's just sitting here, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for me to leave him for this ex (and let me just tell everyone that there are a few MAJOR reasons why this guy is an ex!) and he's driving me insane with it! How is either one of us supposed to be secure in this relationship if he's constantly interrogating me for thinking about the ex that HE BROUGHT UP! He's not feeling close to me, and it is pushing me away in the process.
So, if you want to know why I'm so distant, it's because you're using him to push me away. By the way... I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a myspace, try facebook next time.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Miserable Sick...
So this morning, I decided that I was going to try and push all baby thoughts out of my head and jump headlong into trying to attain the body of my dreams. In case you missed my header, I'm not very good at this. I'm a horrible dieter. I will lose weight like a champ and then gain it all back. This last time, I started to see what my body may end up looking like in the future and I was happy with that. So, since I need a distraction anyway, and it's not looking like I'm going to be headed to the pizza buffet any time in the near future, I'm going to try and make this work. So, be prepared to listen to me whine and eventually watch me fail... miserably... again.
It's going to be nice to have a distraction though. I spent a lot of yesterday either trying very hard to be happy, or bawling my eyes out to the point where I couldn't breathe, so I'm thinking balance is going to be the name of the game. I really wish that we could have another baby. It was all that was on my mind yesterday and kept creeping in throughout the day today too. So, I'm trying not to think about that and trying to enjoy my precious little BooBoo, since he's about to come out of the baby stage very soon. I'm going to miss it so much! But life goes on I guess. It just would have been nice to have another curly headed blue eyed girlie girl... suppose there was no guarantee that would happen anyway. I could have ended up with another Aidan, God help me.
The supplements I'm on right now are ok. I'm cool with most of them. My fat burner is nice, and my thermogenic is CLEARLY working as I sit here running a fever LOL. But there's a metabolic enhancer that I'm taking too and my LORD is it making me sick! I seriously want to vomit! I can't wait until my next meal, I'm hoping that food will stifle the nausea. Who knows? It could make it work. Tony wants me to keep taking it to see if I get a tolerance to it, but seriously I don't think that I could handle taking it again.
I skipped cardio this morning because we were up until nearly 2am talking and crying and praying, but tomorrow I'm going to be on it. Then I'm out of town for the weekend (GO SHOOTING STARS!!) and then going back to the gym on Monday. It's time to get back in a rythm. I'm thinking about maybe taking a gymnastics class if I can find one, or maybe a dance class. If I'm done having babies ( :( ) then I'm going to get myself a nice full time job and maybe go out for a professional cheerleading squad. At least, I'm thinking about it if I'm not too old.
On another note, the house search is ongoing. We haven't met with the realtor for our house yet which is kind of good but kind of sucks. This house is not ready to be shown, but we're losing time on it every day. It would be so nice if we could do a quick closing on the house and have cash in hand to get a new one, but so far it's not looking like that is going to happen, so we'll see. I'm torn on the move, but I will be perfectly fine. Part of me is ready to go, and part of me just loves the pretty trees in my neighborhood too much to leave :) But it's all part of life I guess. Money makes the world go 'round and we don't have any. I wish that we could take out a loan, fix up the house, put some money away for this or that and then pay it back, but it's the whole "pay it back" part that's going to be an issue since we're dead broke and it's not going to get any better until I can get a job and that has to wait until I retire from my current job... full time Mommy.
One day at a time, right?
It's going to be nice to have a distraction though. I spent a lot of yesterday either trying very hard to be happy, or bawling my eyes out to the point where I couldn't breathe, so I'm thinking balance is going to be the name of the game. I really wish that we could have another baby. It was all that was on my mind yesterday and kept creeping in throughout the day today too. So, I'm trying not to think about that and trying to enjoy my precious little BooBoo, since he's about to come out of the baby stage very soon. I'm going to miss it so much! But life goes on I guess. It just would have been nice to have another curly headed blue eyed girlie girl... suppose there was no guarantee that would happen anyway. I could have ended up with another Aidan, God help me.
The supplements I'm on right now are ok. I'm cool with most of them. My fat burner is nice, and my thermogenic is CLEARLY working as I sit here running a fever LOL. But there's a metabolic enhancer that I'm taking too and my LORD is it making me sick! I seriously want to vomit! I can't wait until my next meal, I'm hoping that food will stifle the nausea. Who knows? It could make it work. Tony wants me to keep taking it to see if I get a tolerance to it, but seriously I don't think that I could handle taking it again.
I skipped cardio this morning because we were up until nearly 2am talking and crying and praying, but tomorrow I'm going to be on it. Then I'm out of town for the weekend (GO SHOOTING STARS!!) and then going back to the gym on Monday. It's time to get back in a rythm. I'm thinking about maybe taking a gymnastics class if I can find one, or maybe a dance class. If I'm done having babies ( :( ) then I'm going to get myself a nice full time job and maybe go out for a professional cheerleading squad. At least, I'm thinking about it if I'm not too old.
On another note, the house search is ongoing. We haven't met with the realtor for our house yet which is kind of good but kind of sucks. This house is not ready to be shown, but we're losing time on it every day. It would be so nice if we could do a quick closing on the house and have cash in hand to get a new one, but so far it's not looking like that is going to happen, so we'll see. I'm torn on the move, but I will be perfectly fine. Part of me is ready to go, and part of me just loves the pretty trees in my neighborhood too much to leave :) But it's all part of life I guess. Money makes the world go 'round and we don't have any. I wish that we could take out a loan, fix up the house, put some money away for this or that and then pay it back, but it's the whole "pay it back" part that's going to be an issue since we're dead broke and it's not going to get any better until I can get a job and that has to wait until I retire from my current job... full time Mommy.
One day at a time, right?
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Stop the Ride, I Want to GET OFF!
Today has been a little bit crazy. I woke up this morning and took another pregnancy test... negative. I was right, a chemical pregnancy. It only makes sense. I really did see this one coming, but the grief... that, I wasn't ready for. We are dealing though. Pick up the pieces and move on. Tony says that he's upset too, but he has a hard time showing that sort of thing.
Another thing is that Tony was asked to take a lay off at work and I'm pretty back and forth about the right thing to do about that situation. It's totally voluntary, so if he takes it, clearly he would lose his job, with no chance of getting it back at a later time. If he doesn't take the lay off, then they will fire the "lowest man on the totem poll." Normally I would just feel bad about the person losing their job, and be thankful that it wasn't Tony, but in this case, Tony is and has been looking for another job and plans to quit his and move out of the area as soon as he finds one. So how do you reconcile that? How do you keep the job that you need, even if you know that you plan to leave, knowing that someone else is going to be losing their livelihood as a result. It's tough. I think that I would feel better about it if we had any intentions on staying in the area... but we don't.
I'm considering the option of staying in the area, for the betterment of everyone in our family and the fact that Tony still has a job here... but you can see how his heart drops when I mention the possibility of staying around. He will say that it's because he doesn't feel like this area is home anymore, but I know better. He only wants to leave because he's worried about my ex boyfriend and whether or not I will end up going back to him, in the long run.
I keep telling him that it isn't going to happen like that, but he doesn't have any faith in me that I'm telling the truth... or he just thinks that I'm going to change my mind. Either way, the answer isn't sweeping me out of the state to keep me away from my ex. If I'm going to leave Tony, then I'm going to leave whether that is here for a thousand miles away. I wish I could undo everything that made him question me, but I can't so he will never be comfortable staying here. I hate that, because I know how mistrust works. It will start with my ex, then it will trickle into every relationship I have with another man, no matter how harmless. Mistrust is like the first part of the rug that begins to unravel. Or like a puppy chewing on a berber rug, you know ow it starts small but by the end of it you have nothing left but rug backing and a backed up puppy. I don't want that for us... but, that's where we are.
I guess my main point is that I don't want to uproot my kids and move them away from friends and family and everything that they know because my husband doesn't trust me to not be friends with my ex. Yes, you heard that right... he's not afraid that I'm going to sleep with him. No, he's afraid that I'm going to be friends with him. Because THAT'S SO MUCH WORSE. I'm not opposed to moving, that's not it. I will totally up and leave this place and up until recently was completely excited about it. But now it just feels wrong. So, today, I'm confused. Tomorrow, who knows?
Another thing is that Tony was asked to take a lay off at work and I'm pretty back and forth about the right thing to do about that situation. It's totally voluntary, so if he takes it, clearly he would lose his job, with no chance of getting it back at a later time. If he doesn't take the lay off, then they will fire the "lowest man on the totem poll." Normally I would just feel bad about the person losing their job, and be thankful that it wasn't Tony, but in this case, Tony is and has been looking for another job and plans to quit his and move out of the area as soon as he finds one. So how do you reconcile that? How do you keep the job that you need, even if you know that you plan to leave, knowing that someone else is going to be losing their livelihood as a result. It's tough. I think that I would feel better about it if we had any intentions on staying in the area... but we don't.
I'm considering the option of staying in the area, for the betterment of everyone in our family and the fact that Tony still has a job here... but you can see how his heart drops when I mention the possibility of staying around. He will say that it's because he doesn't feel like this area is home anymore, but I know better. He only wants to leave because he's worried about my ex boyfriend and whether or not I will end up going back to him, in the long run.
I keep telling him that it isn't going to happen like that, but he doesn't have any faith in me that I'm telling the truth... or he just thinks that I'm going to change my mind. Either way, the answer isn't sweeping me out of the state to keep me away from my ex. If I'm going to leave Tony, then I'm going to leave whether that is here for a thousand miles away. I wish I could undo everything that made him question me, but I can't so he will never be comfortable staying here. I hate that, because I know how mistrust works. It will start with my ex, then it will trickle into every relationship I have with another man, no matter how harmless. Mistrust is like the first part of the rug that begins to unravel. Or like a puppy chewing on a berber rug, you know ow it starts small but by the end of it you have nothing left but rug backing and a backed up puppy. I don't want that for us... but, that's where we are.
I guess my main point is that I don't want to uproot my kids and move them away from friends and family and everything that they know because my husband doesn't trust me to not be friends with my ex. Yes, you heard that right... he's not afraid that I'm going to sleep with him. No, he's afraid that I'm going to be friends with him. Because THAT'S SO MUCH WORSE. I'm not opposed to moving, that's not it. I will totally up and leave this place and up until recently was completely excited about it. But now it just feels wrong. So, today, I'm confused. Tomorrow, who knows?
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Torn...
I'm going to take a deep breath and 'say' this out loud. I'm pregnant. Hold your congratulations, because I'm all kinds of confused about it. I want to be elated, but the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy are less than ideal, and I'm seriously concerned that it will not continue anyway. So I'm not sure I'm ready to be happy about it yet. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel about it yet. Tony wants me to be ecstatic and is hurt that I'm not. But that doesn't change how I feel about it. I wish it did. I would give just about anything to embrace this and hope for the best, but that's just not what my gut is telling me right now and I'm not in a place where I can really put on a happy face for everyone else and fake it til I make it. I'm really just tired of that anyway. Because of this though, Tony and I have been able to talk about a lot of things going on in our lives right now that are less than perfect and we are hoping that all of the pieces fit back together in the end. I guess that's why I said in my last post that it felt like running away. But maybe running isn't so bad. I mean, all of our problems are here, so it would be nice to leave them behind... but whatever is forcing the gap between us is something that we are doing, and I have a feeling that it's just going to follow us for a good long while. But every step that's made in the right direction is worth celebrating as far as I'm concerned. On a lighter note. I'm also torn about ice cream. (this post couldn't be all heavy!) And the fact that I'd really like to have some right now. It's going to be hotter than hell (for spring) in this part of Ohio and all I can think of is a nice trip to the ice cream stand. It could be the hormones. Anyway, I'm trying to avoid it though, because we're trying to be healthier as a family. That's one of the things I've wanted for a long time, so I'm going to forget this passing craving and move on. Besides, I don't want it to take a year to lose the baby weight... whether there's a baby in the end or not, I'm already feeling the fatness creep on. So, I need to limit that. That's another thing. I'm ready for my dream body and now I have to wait 9 months to start trying to get there. That's selfish, I know, but it doesn't make it any less true.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
And I Ate the Whole Thing...
I think that lately I'm just spinning out of control in a lot of ways. And here's something you may not know about me.... I. Am. A. Control. Freak. I hate when I don't know every single detail about everything that's going on at any given time. And people wonder why I'm stressed out! We are supposed to be moving no later than the end of the school year, but again I'm skeptical that it will all come together. I want to go, but it feels a little like running away. Everything that's going on right now kind of feels like running away. I guess part of it is... but really it's about a fresh start and a better life for my family. I have been doing more research on the area that we're planning to move to, and I'm pretty stoked. If there's any truth to the southern hospitality urban legend, then it's all good. I think that part of me still feels like a 9 year old little girl who doesn't want to leave my home, but the rest of me is so over it and ready to just take the leap already because sitting here and thinking about it all of the time may KILL ME! So, per usual, I'm unloading my stress on my poor unassuming refrigerator, and consequently my waistline. It's a good thing I'm not leaving my husband, because at this point no one would take my fat ass. I'm all stuffed with stuffed crust at the moment. I'm feeling so many things right now. I'm glad that I have Tony to go to whenever it's time to get on with life. But for right now, we're very much stuck in neutral. Every passing day has me looking at real estate more nearby rather than on the other end of this pipe dream. It's so much safer to do it that way. There's an established job here, we know everything, and we can still use the difference in the cost of the house to get out of debt. On top of that we will still be close to family and my beloved YMCA and Renaissance Festival (do not hate on my dorkiness). But the house isn't the only thing on our minds. We're dealing with a lot more than I can say, even on here. I need to find my center, because I really feel like I'm spiraling totally out of control and I can't tell for the life of me which way is up. I feel like I live in a constant state of being lost all the time anymore. I hope things start clearing up for us, the further away from this mess that we get. Now, if we can only take those steps and get out of here.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
So Says My Fickle Self...
I know that I am fickle and flighty, so when I say that my family and I are going to up and move 600 miles away, feel free to roll your eyes and go about your day with the "knowledge" that in 6 months you will knock on my door and I will still be sitting inside. Normally you would be right. I get the itch to leave this place a few times a year. I pull up all of the fancy real estate websites and browse through hundreds of houses that either suck for this reason or are perfect for that reason. But alas, after each of these phases runs its course, I am still here. This time is a little different. This time we have everyone on board (save for our 9 year old who is not moving out of state no matter what, just ask her, she will tell you) and we're taking the necessary steps to actually make this next move in our lives. Today we started packing. I know, it's a little early since we don't have anything ready in what will become our new hometown... but we are listing our house, and we're getting all of the non-essential clutter out of the way so that the house feels light and airy. At least that's what we're shooting for. Also, we are doing some painting and little updates. Today we painted one of the bathrooms a more neutral color and then tomorrow all of the little extras go up. Thankfully most of our home's issues are cosmetic, so not a whole lot of cost to incur there. Praise God on that one. I think we're so ready for a fresh start. Tony and I have been in and out of our marriage for a while. Not physically, but emotionally. He's not a touchy feely, let me tell you my deepest darkest secrets so we can cry in each other's arms, kind of guy. He's more of the Nothing is wrong with me, I truly feel nothing, want nothing, and therefore need to say nothing, type. But while he was constantly feeling nothing, I was left to feel everything on my own. It's not as much fun as it sounds boys and girls. But things have changed, and they're continuing to evolve. 10 years into this relationship, and we're finally busting down some walls. So we're going all out and making a fresh start. New city, new jobs, new home... I tried the new kids thing, but apparently there's a law against selling children, and frankly I'm not impressed with the resale values of the older models anyway... so they're coming with us. We are also in negotiations again on baby #5. It looks like we're going to give it one good shot. So, I'm preheating the oven, and we'll see if we can't get something cooking. If not... well then, we move on. So that's the goings on in my life right now... Hopefully I won't be back on here in a few weeks all "ho-hum" about how we're going to end up having to stay and having to sell a kidney to pay this year's property taxes. Just in case... anyone know the going rate on vital organs these days?
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Up and at em'
So, I began my foray into diet and exercise land... so we'll see where this goes. I'm a little on the fluffy side right now, and hoping to get a little more hard bodied before summer. I am naturally muscular, and gain size easily. I love lift weights, it's just that pesky diet thing that keeps me from my desired body. Damn donuts and pizza for being so amazing. But it's okay. I'm ready to part ways with that stuff for a little while. Enter: Weight Watchers. I love the program and it works wonders for me. Not only that, but they've updated their program to favor clean eating which is better for you anyway. So that's good. So, I got up this morning and got on my trusty stationary bike for a while to start off on the right foot. I will be back at the gym tomorrow (all be it hiding in my sweats) to start lifting weights again. I'm pretty embarassed that of the past 3 weeks, 2 of them have been spent binge eating. Yep, that's me... a bulimic minus the barfing. I used to be an exercise bulimic... I would eat like a cow and then go run 10 miles. But then it wasn't enough. My weight is my cryptonite. It is my biggest weakness. So, I'm trying to find a balance with it. Aside from that, not really much going on. I hope I can stick with my goals this time, but honestly... who knows?
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Welcome...
Here's a little background about me. Since I will get into the meat and potatoes of my life as time goes on, we'll just go on bare facts... in list form :)
-I'm 26 (well, almost)
-I married my high school sweetheart when I was 18. We're still married.
-I have 4 children, and I'm a half way decent mother... sometimes. I started my family at 16, so I'm still trying to figure things out.
-I'm terrified that people around me will be able to see the things I hate about myself, and hate me too. So I hide a lot of things about myself, and I'm almost never 100% genuine with the people around me. I am however 100% convincing, so they never know.
-I thought about having a 5th child, and despite a deep seeded desire to continue building our family... we've decided against it for a lot of reasons.
-I am a serial dieter. Nothing ever works for long though, because I'm also a binge eater/compulsive over eater. I am thinking over joining over eater anonymous, though I'm not all that anonymous anymore, huh?
-I have a very black and white personality. I'm either one extreme or the other, never in the middle. I don't see shades of gray. (I am working on this though)
-I love to work out, and I love to run. I have 10 million lofty fitness goals that I will likely write about until I drive them into the ground on this blog and never accomplish a single one.... which leads me to...
-I don't finish anything. This is a personality flaw I'm also working....
So that's a few things about me. Welcome to my blog. Stay a while and I will try not to bore you too much. If I do, there's a handy little [X] in the upper right-hand corner. Feel free to use it at any time.
-I'm 26 (well, almost)
-I married my high school sweetheart when I was 18. We're still married.
-I have 4 children, and I'm a half way decent mother... sometimes. I started my family at 16, so I'm still trying to figure things out.
-I'm terrified that people around me will be able to see the things I hate about myself, and hate me too. So I hide a lot of things about myself, and I'm almost never 100% genuine with the people around me. I am however 100% convincing, so they never know.
-I thought about having a 5th child, and despite a deep seeded desire to continue building our family... we've decided against it for a lot of reasons.
-I am a serial dieter. Nothing ever works for long though, because I'm also a binge eater/compulsive over eater. I am thinking over joining over eater anonymous, though I'm not all that anonymous anymore, huh?
-I have a very black and white personality. I'm either one extreme or the other, never in the middle. I don't see shades of gray. (I am working on this though)
-I love to work out, and I love to run. I have 10 million lofty fitness goals that I will likely write about until I drive them into the ground on this blog and never accomplish a single one.... which leads me to...
-I don't finish anything. This is a personality flaw I'm also working....
So that's a few things about me. Welcome to my blog. Stay a while and I will try not to bore you too much. If I do, there's a handy little [X] in the upper right-hand corner. Feel free to use it at any time.
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