Today has been a little bit crazy. I woke up this morning and took another pregnancy test... negative. I was right, a chemical pregnancy. It only makes sense. I really did see this one coming, but the grief... that, I wasn't ready for. We are dealing though. Pick up the pieces and move on. Tony says that he's upset too, but he has a hard time showing that sort of thing.
Another thing is that Tony was asked to take a lay off at work and I'm pretty back and forth about the right thing to do about that situation. It's totally voluntary, so if he takes it, clearly he would lose his job, with no chance of getting it back at a later time. If he doesn't take the lay off, then they will fire the "lowest man on the totem poll." Normally I would just feel bad about the person losing their job, and be thankful that it wasn't Tony, but in this case, Tony is and has been looking for another job and plans to quit his and move out of the area as soon as he finds one. So how do you reconcile that? How do you keep the job that you need, even if you know that you plan to leave, knowing that someone else is going to be losing their livelihood as a result. It's tough. I think that I would feel better about it if we had any intentions on staying in the area... but we don't.
I'm considering the option of staying in the area, for the betterment of everyone in our family and the fact that Tony still has a job here... but you can see how his heart drops when I mention the possibility of staying around. He will say that it's because he doesn't feel like this area is home anymore, but I know better. He only wants to leave because he's worried about my ex boyfriend and whether or not I will end up going back to him, in the long run.
I keep telling him that it isn't going to happen like that, but he doesn't have any faith in me that I'm telling the truth... or he just thinks that I'm going to change my mind. Either way, the answer isn't sweeping me out of the state to keep me away from my ex. If I'm going to leave Tony, then I'm going to leave whether that is here for a thousand miles away. I wish I could undo everything that made him question me, but I can't so he will never be comfortable staying here. I hate that, because I know how mistrust works. It will start with my ex, then it will trickle into every relationship I have with another man, no matter how harmless. Mistrust is like the first part of the rug that begins to unravel. Or like a puppy chewing on a berber rug, you know ow it starts small but by the end of it you have nothing left but rug backing and a backed up puppy. I don't want that for us... but, that's where we are.
I guess my main point is that I don't want to uproot my kids and move them away from friends and family and everything that they know because my husband doesn't trust me to not be friends with my ex. Yes, you heard that right... he's not afraid that I'm going to sleep with him. No, he's afraid that I'm going to be friends with him. Because THAT'S SO MUCH WORSE. I'm not opposed to moving, that's not it. I will totally up and leave this place and up until recently was completely excited about it. But now it just feels wrong. So, today, I'm confused. Tomorrow, who knows?
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