avoidance...

I have been neglecting this blog lately, because there's really just too much going on for me to update it. So I guess I should at least update the part of my life that's ruling all of the others right now, and that's my pregnancy. Or rather, my question of pregnancy. I was in the ER Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday of last week, and then at my OB's office on Monday of this week because they thought my pregnancy was ectopic. Well, by Monday they realized that they were wrong and the baby was in my uterus. But then on Thursday night, as I was going to bed, I felt a gush... of blood. It was like someone had popped a water balloon inside of me. It was just a gush of dark red blood, but it was a finite amount and did not continue. They said that my cervix was closed, but my HCG hadn't risen the way I wanted it to. On top of that, they did an ultrasound that showed even worse news. The baby was measuring 2days ahead of my due date, but had no heartbeat. They basically told me to expect a miscarriage. So after all of the stress of thinking the pregnancy was ectopic, it looks like I'm just going to have a good old fashioned miscarriage.

I am a disaster. I haven't even been out of bed since I found out. No need as far as I'm concerned. I'm trying to keep myself calm and peaceful for as long as this child is a part of my body. I go back in to see the doctor on Tuesday and they will do a follow up ultrasound to decide the next step. My doctor isn't a big fan of d&c so he doesn't want to have to do that. I am on the fence though. I don't know that I want to go through the trauma of passing the baby. He did say that 20-25% of pregnancies end in first trimester miscarriages, and that (having 4 healthy kids at home) the odds were bound to catch up to me. I respectfully disagree. I know what I did to deserve this punishment.

Yeah, I am Impatient...

I know I said Saturday, but...




I couldn't wait :) I can't believe that I got a positive on a digital test at only 11DPO! Awesome! Not I'm just crossing my fingers and sending waves upon waves of positive energy to the little one. It's in the embryonic stage right now, until I'm 10 weeks along (I will be 4 weeks on Saturday) and then hopefully I will be out of the woods. I am hoping and praying that I will be able to go to my first doctor appointment in a few weeks and be able to hear that perfect sound of the baby's fluttering heart. I am so hopeful.

Catching up...

So, my interet has been down for a week or so, and I hate blogging from my phone, so I took a mini-hiatus. In that time, I have decided to try to work things out with Tony, but it's an uneasy truce. No more 3 strikes for us... if he screws up even once then the truce is over and so are we. I know that sounds harsh... but he is completely understanding about it, and agreeable to my terms. He's also doing SO MUCH BETTER since he's been staying here at the house again. I hope it lasts. Especially since I found out...

I'M PREGNANT!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!

I'm beyond excited about it! I'm actually not even late yet. I started feeling a little funny and tested early. My period isn't due until Saturday, but I got the faintest little positive on a First response Early Result test this morning and I am over the moon! I know that the medications I have been on may have some negative reprecussions as far as the pregnancy continuing, but for right now... I feel blessed. I will take another test tomorrow, and then save my only digital pregnancy test for Saturday. I'm afraid that tomorrow will be too early for that test to be accurate since it's not as sensitive as the test that I used this morning. Time will tell if this little one sticks around, but for right now, Tony and I are hopeful. Hopeful for our marriage, hopeful for our baby, hopeful for our family's future. It has been a good day, and I hope that it is a good, happy and healthy 9 months until my St. Patrick's Day due date.

Murphy's Law...

The assertion that anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong. That is my life lately for sure. My marriage is falling apart, Tony is 5 seconds from losing or quitting his job, every day a pregnancy looks less likely (which I guess most would consider a good thing given the turmoil in the relationship right now) and now we are being faced with the possibility of losing the annuity that keeps our life afloat. Murphy's Law.

First off, the marriage. Tony and I love each other so much. We always have, and we always will. recently though, I couldn't turn a blind eye to some of our issues anymore. We are on relatively good terms right now, but for all intents and purposes... we are separated. He is staying with his mom and I am here with these horrible rotten heathens I call children. I hope he's enjoying the vacation! In all seriousness though, it has been hard on everyone. the kids have adjusted so quickly though, I was shocked! or maybe it doesn't feel different to them yet because of Tony's work schedule. Things may feel drastically different this weekend, when they're used to 3 straight days of Dad, and then it doesn't happen. He has already decided not to come and see them today... so they will get a taste of that absence sooner than expected. I just hope that everything works out in the long run... but change takes time.
In the meantime, I need to find a job. Supporting this family financially is now half my responsibility. Especially now that the annuity is ending/has ended. We will not even be able to keep out heads above water now without 2 incomes. I'm completely freaked out about it, and feeling miserable for poor BooBoo. The other kids have always had me. I have been home with them every day of their entire lives. The Boo isn't going to have that, and if I do end up pregnant (which again, is looking highly unlikely) then that baby won't even know me. I wouldn't even be able to breastfeed. that makes me profoundly sad. Maybe that's why God didn't allow a child to come into the world right now. Well, among other things. I believe to an extent that these trials were sent to me as tough love. I won't say punishment, because I don't think God works that way. All I know, is it has been a while since I have been in a position to be blessed by the Lord, and that my friends is on me.