It's Over...

I had some cramping and bloating today and yesterday, and so I believe that's it! I wish I had been temping to be sure, but honestly... deciding to try this last time was sort of a last minute thing. So there wasn't a whole lot of preparation to be had.

I'm going to try not to stress out too much about it and just let the chips fall where they may. We'll see what actually happens though lol. Tony is a little back and forth right now, but it's understandable. It's always different for dads. I know that he does want to have a baby though. It's not one of those things where the woman is just going insane with baby fever, and the husband doesn't really want a baby but goes along with it anyway. At least I hope it isn't. Tony has this terrible habit of trying to give me everything that I want without taking into consideration how it will effect him. It kills me sometimes, it really does. I wonder how in the world I ended up with such a man. I sincerely do not deserve him.

Anyway, I'm counting down the days until I can take a test. I'm going to have to fight the urge to buy out all of the pregnancy tests at the Dollar Tree to feed the need to POAS (pee on a stick). Unplanned pregnancies are so much easier. One day you're just late and so you take a test, and bam... bliss. Planned pregnancies are so much harder because you're worried that things won't work out, you're counting down the days until you know for sure, you're driving yourself crazy, and then at the end (if you're not pregnant) then you wonder what's wrong with you that you could't do the most basic animal thing... reproduce.

I have been so nervous, I've barely been eating. I have been trying to balance things out though so that if there is a baby I'm getting enough nutrients to support it, but even if I ovulated yesterday, it will be another 5-10 days until implantation would happen... so I guess worrying about the well being of the baby at this point is kind of moot. I did eat 2 chocolate chip cookies though. They were worth it.

This is what I ate today

6" Oven Roasted Chicken Breast sub
apple
Special K Honey and Oat cereal with FF milk
4 oz (well, 3.8) turkey burger (no bun) with FF cheese, and broccoli
2 chocolate chip cookies.

Wow, looking at that makes me cringe a little. There's NO WAY that's enough food. Ugh. Maybe I will find something else yummy and wholesome to eat before I turn in. But I'm not really all that hungry so maybe not. Damn nervous tummy.

Into the 2WW...

At least I hope. The 2WW (2 week wait) is the dreaded phase between ovulation and the onset of your period in which you go TOTALLY INSANE making up imaginary pregnancy symptoms and wondering if every twinge and cramp means something. I'm not entirely sure of when (or if) I ovulated, so I'm assuming that I'm in the 2WW now. If everything goes well, I should be able to take a pregnancy test around Tony and my anniversary which would be awesome... but with the possibility of disappointment (along with the cost of pregnancy tests) I may just wait until I think I'm late. I say "think" because, again, I'm not entirely sure on my dates. I'm hopeful, but not entirely sure. I did cover my bases as far as my normal cycle length is concerned, so I should be okay. I feel like I gave it 100%. But sometimes when you want something so bad, it's hard to push away all of the second guessing. I wouldn't have done anything different though, and I don't want to continue to "try" anymore. I think at this point it would just be unneccessary. And besides, I prefer sex for fun anyway ;)

In other news, I still haven't been back to the gym yet. I thought about going today, but with the childwatch schedule being different on Saturdays, that's not going to happen. I will be going back soon though. Especially if I do get pregnant, because it's really good for me and baby to be exercising. I worked out through my pregnancy with Aaron and felt amazing the whole time. My diet has been a little "eh." I haven't tracked a single thing I've eaten but I have been limiting things for the most part. And without the pressure in my head to succeed, I have been able to take a taste of things I like (ex. the donut Tony bought me today <3 ) without really eating it. I don't think I'm over my eating disorder, but being a mother makes things less difficult for me because I know what a binge would do to my potential child. And I feel like I need to protect my body, because it's (hopefully) housing something far more precious than any food I could think of.

I just hope this works, I really truly, completely hope that this works. I just can't try again. It's not worth the price we're paying to try again.

Well...

I gave it my best shot. I'm either going to end up pregnant at the end of this month, or not. But I can say that (based on my calculations lol) I gave it the best chance that I could. And now it's a waiting game... again. I just hope that my cycle is regular. I'm going to cross my fingers and hope and pray for the best outcome.

I've been thinking though, with everything going on, I may not telling anyone I'm pregnant. At least not for a while. That is *if* I managed to get knocked up. With our loss still so fresh, and some of the turmoil that could come of sharing the news, I'm wondering if making a phone call in 9 months to tell everyone about their new ::insert relation here:: has arrived would be the better option. Who knows?

As far as my dieting goes, I'm holding out pretty well. I did have a bowl of ice cream last night though while Tony and I indulged in an episode of the best reality show ever... So You Think You Can Dance. We have watched it since it first started, and still love it. Anyway, the ice cream was remarkably lackluster. What I mean is, it has lost some of its appeal to me. I hardly finished my bowl, I didn't go back for seconds (unheard of) and then I ended up with a tummy ache. So it's sitting, untouched in my freezer right now. And it's not even calling out to me right now. I think that the thought of getting pregnant has filled the hole I generally fill with food, for now.

I am stressing out about Tony though. He's not sleeping much, not that I blame him with all of the stress he's under, but it's really getting worrysome. He is a truck driver and I'm terrified that he's going to fall asleep and kill himself, or someone else. He has actually hit someone with his car before.... twice. Thankfully neither of those people were hurt, but that was only by the grace of God. His reaction time is slipping and that's not going to work. I wish that he could sleep. Well, I wish that he would just find another job, somewhere far away so we can leave this place.

On an unrelated note, we looked at a house the other day. It was perfect for us. It was the right price, it was big enough for our rather large family, and it had so many of my 'must haves' in a house. I'm seriously bummed that there isn't anything we can do about it. It's a bank owned property, so that means it goes to investors in a few short days, and we can't even put in an offer, because our house won't sell. It's frustrating. You may look at us and think that we have it all figured out from the outside, but it's just not true. We fight tooth and nail to pay the bills, rarely pay them on time and it wears on us. It seems like we owe everyone money. There's even an outstanding lawsuit on us which is keeping us from being able to finance anything. All of our money is tied up in our home, and we're barely treading water right now. That's another reason we're selling. Hopefully we will take the difference between the sale price of our house and the purchase price of a new home and be able to get out of debt. We would be living just fine if it weren't for the justice system screwing us when we sold our last home.

We were going to take Andie out of cheerleading to ease the burden, but I couldn't do it. When I was little, I was a dancer. I lived for dance, I was good, and I could have been great. But my mom fell on hard times and pulled me out. That started a pattern of her putting me into things to fill the void, only to pull me out (or guilt me into quitting) for the remainder of my childhood. I think that's part of the reason I can't finish anything I start. So, when I see Andie love this so much, I can't imagine taking it from her. For now, we're making it work so I am not complaining. We are so blessed, so I try not to take that for granted. I have an amazing husband and 4 amazing children and we're all together and happy. Some people aren't fortunate enough to say that. So, I won't complain. It will all work out, it always does. In the meantime, I will be hopeful that we can add just one more little monster to the brood, and continue to live in bliss. Or blissful ignorance... either way.

No Pressure....

That title sort of has a double meaning for me today. On one hand, I have totally forgotten about my weight. I basically said fuck it for right now and am just eating whatever, and I'm quite shocked at how little that is. I eat clean through the day and then have a little of whatever I make the kids for dinner. I've lost about 7 pounds, but honestly it was probably superficial anyway considering I have wiped out CiCi's twice in recent weeks.(I love pizza). I am a little bummed about not being able to go to the gym lately, but I had a drug resistant staph infection (yummy, right?) So I stayed at home so I can keep it to myself.

On the other hand, that's a very sarcastic "no pressure." Tony and I decided to give one last ditch effort to get pregnant. The timing has to be perfect though, and I'm not sure that it is. But we took a shot at it and now I just have to pray that its a regular cycle for me. If its not, then I'm out of luck for now. I can't try again for about a year, and that's not an attractive option for me. I don't want to be that close to 30 when having another child. That, and my desire to have another baby is part of the reason I haven't been able to commit to a diet. I want another child, and to chase my perfect body only to wreck it again seems counterproductive. So I was waiting until the last Angel baby was born. But if this doesn't work, I need to think seriously about giving up on having another baby in favor of living a different part of my life.

How It's Going...

... Admittedly, not so great. Monday was okay, Tuesday I felt like I could conquer the world, Wednesday I was tired and didn't get all of my cardio in, which led into today... B-I-N-G-E. Ugh. Yes, again. I haven't even been able to get through one single week yet! I'm so pissed off at myself it's absolutely outrageous. I just feel like I am drowning, but no one can pull me out of the water.

I honestly want to move on in this sport, I really really do, but the baby thing has my head in a strange place. I know that I shouldn't have any more children. I even get this nagging feeling when I say that I want more, like my brain is trying to tell me that it's a bad idea. I mean, I have a hard enough time with the four that I have. But somewhere inside of me is this need to have another child. I don't know where it comes from, and I wish I could make it STOP! Having another baby is a terrible idea! My attention and patience is stretched thin enough as it is. I'm already screwing up 4 lives, why add another to the mix? Is it genetic? Biological? I can't figure out where it comes from. And as long as I keep longing for another child, it's going to be beyond difficult to commit to my goals. I wish I could just afford the tummy tuck and then the baby option would come off the table. Maybe that's best with the problems I've had with my last 3 pregnancies, lost twin, placenta previa/c-section, and miscarriage. Maybe God is trying to say "No more babies for YOU!" I don't know.

My food today was pretty bad (and I hope my husband doesn't kill me for this... or say anything about it at all really). I ate 2 bowls of honey combs cereal, about 3 packs of peanut butter crackers (maybe 4, I can't remember), 4 packs of fruit snacks, 2 popsicles, a turkey cheeseburger on a white bun with ketchup, a grilled cheese sandwich, 1/2 a peanut butter sandwich, whatever BooBoo left on his plate after lunch, a few handfuls each of pretzels and goldfish crackers, a bag of popcorn, 2 apples, a king size peanut butter Twix, and an Asiago Chicken sandwich from Wendy's with fries. I think that's all? I'm not really sure. I know that's a lot of food but it doesn't even begin to touch one of my full blown binges. You know how I know? Because I can still move. My exercise for the day, you may ask? Well, I did a lot of reps... extend arm, retrieve food, place in mouth, repeat...

:::sigh::: I fail at life.

All I can do is start fresh in the morning really. Be honest... move on. So tomorrow, I will weigh in. I will share my weight, and I will repeat this practice on a weekly basis. I will encourage anyone reading this, who is also struggling to do the same. I am going to set my weightloss goals for every 4 weeks (as in, I way XXX.XX this week, I want to weight XXX.XX in 4 weeks). Also, each 4 weeks I will post a picture of myself, however unflattering (and oh will it be unflattering!) to hopefully document my changes. And with any luck, this will be a "for better or for worse" kind of thing. So if I screw it up, well, you get to see it. I'm already nervous. But I hope that i can make some changes over time.... how much time will be the question.

Eff This Day...

I'm supposed to be doing a ton of cardio today, but so far I have only done one round. I think I will do intervals on Tue bike today because I'm too tired to run today. This has been a sleepy day in general. I even took a nap, but it didn't help. I'm in that first month of my diet so I'm just a little overcome with depression. There's nothing wrong, per se, I'm just depressed in general as my body adjusts to living without the happiness food brings me. Of course, having this insane baby fever doesn't help. I'm trying to forget about it move on, but its very hard. I know that having a baby is impossible, and a bad idea in general, but I still can't help this feeling. And now, I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Tony says he can handle talking about it, but I know better. And I can't have us both being depressed. I think my depression alone is plenty.

I'm only on day 3 of my diet and I'm really trying to stay on track, but its very hard. I want to do it, but on the other hand, I don't. I can't explain it. The allure of food is a lot to deal with, and the strictness of my diet makes it more difficult. But I have a problem with moderation, so strict is the only way this will work for me. Otherwise, I end up going too far, eating out too much, or just pigging out in general. I should go get the cardio out of the way before I decide its not worth it.

So, I'm going to try this thing called accountability. It worked the last time I was on this journey, so let's see where it leads me this time.

I managed to work out today. I had a really bad week last week, though I did manage to work in a few workouts, but by Saturday I was too down on myself to go to my Zumba class. Instead, I sought solace in a steak egg and cheese bagel. The worst thing is that I know better. I lose weight like a champ when I want to because I know all of the rules and follow them to a 'T'. The problem is I also gain weight like a champ because I'm literally addicted to food. When I was younger I thought that food addiction was a load of crap. It was a crutch created by fat people to justify their eating habits and claim that they had no control. And then, I faced it myself. After losing Aidan's twin, the endorphin rush that came from eating was the only thing that would lift my mood... and then I became entirely dependent on it over time. I forgot how to be happy without food.

I didn't realize how bad the problem was until I started trying to lose the weight. I would start over and start over, and the longer I went between binges, the more depressed I would get. Then, when I would finally cave, I would be giddy about all of the food I would eat. Then I would eat... and eat... and eat. I would eat up to, and then past the point of physical pain. I would get so bad that I couldn't move at all, because if I so much as leaned over my ribs would feel like I would break from the volume of food that I had stuffed under them. I just assumed that when someone would say "I binged," that they were eating the same thing. I was very very wrong.

If I wrote down things that were eaten in one of my binges, you would be appalled. You know, this is about accountability, so I will go ahead and share... brace yourself: (note; this is one meal)

2 chocolate cake donuts
3 large slices of pizza
burger and fries meal from Sonic
ice cream sundae
the majority of two 1/4 size sheet cakes
2 bowls of ice cream
King Size PB Twix

That was one meal. And I have had meals like that countless times. I am trying to fix it, and I do a good job for a while, but then I lose it again. I have gained and lost the same 20 pounds about 4 times... maybe 5. I bounce from 145-165 regularly. And while I haven't let it get beyond that point yet (having once weighed 235 pounds). I can feel myself slowly losing control since the miscarriage. I'm trying to get back on track... and I'm hoping to be as successful as I was this last time. It was a hard battle, but eventually, I was able to push through the depression, and find happiness outside of food. But then I lost it again. I have faced so many challenges in my life since I was happy back in February and March. But I'm trying to get back there. It's going to take a lot of physical, mental and emotional work though.

I'm doing it though. I woke up this morning and did 30 minutes of cardio, then weights + 30 more minutes of cardio, and then later... one last cardio session for the day. Wish me luck, I just want to get back to a place where I'm not ashamed to admit that I have big goals... or any goals for that matter.

Day 1... Again

I just haven't been able to get my groove back after the miscarriage. I keep trying to work through it, and get back into the swing of my life, but honestly I keep most of it bottled up. No one except for Tony and a few random people even knew about the pregnancy, so I don't really have a venue to talk about it. But I did get up today and clean up my diet (wish I could say the same for my house... but that will come) and got to the gym. I signed up for a couple classes so that I would be forced to leave the house. Otherwise, I would be wasting 10 bucks per class! Can't have that now can we?

So, I get to the gym tonight, and I mainly keep my eyes on the floor and hope that no one will recognize me, 20 pounds heavier and with next to no hair... but no luck. The resident gorgeous gym rat walked right up to me and Tony and said "hey where have you been?" I of course blurted out the honest truth about the miscarriage, partially because the question surprised me and I didn't have time to lie, and partially because it would explain away my absence and weight gain. Win, win right? Ugh. She has never talked to us before... ever. And she intimidates me. Me! I have never been intimidated in my life! Much less by a 5'3" 115pound girl! With little effort my ass could probably knock her unconcious if she was standing too close in a Zumba class. But she is everything that I want to be. She's even training for the same goal that I have... only when she says "I'm training for a figure competition," it's not as laughable as it is when I say it. So, I dont' say it anymore. I'm not training for anything. I have no goals... less pressure to succeed that way.

But the big blow came from a couple of douchey college guys. You know the ones who hang out at the gym, lift for hours a day but never break a sweat, and maintain perfectly gelled hair. The ones who high five each other after every set, and refer to one another as "Bro". I can't fucking stand those guys. And today, they had something to say about me. Apparently, I look enough like a woman, even without my hair that they noticed... however they didn't think I'd been one long. They said I had to have been a recent post-op transsexual. Fantastic.

I can assure you, I have had a vagina my whole life. It came with ovaries, and I know how to use them!

Thinking, thinking, thinking...

It seems like all I do is think. I think about what I want, what I don't want, who I am, who I want to be, what I would do if I won the lottery.... The list goes on.

Today I'm thinking about my future. I got a little bummed that all of the educational assistant jobs with the local school are filled. I don't know why. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to go back to work this year, not even next year... not even the year after that, but still, it feels like a missed opportunity. Maybe it's just because it feels like the one thing I can actually do, and I'm chomping at the bit to get there?

I always wanted to be a teacher. I have tried year after year to go back to college, but that is where the "being a statstic" comes in. Sure, I graduated high school, married the father of my kids, and bought my first house when I was a teenager... all of those things make me the exception, not the rule. But where my college education is concerned, you can still see "TEEN MOM" written across my forehead. It's my Moby Dick. I will probably chase that goal [college graduate] for my entire life.

It's not that I'm not smart... I would kick Jeopardy's ass! However, my kids (my house, my husband, etc.) need so much from me that I just can't cope with the workload. College is about 25% learning in the classroom, and 75% figuring it out on your own at home. You do the discussing with your professors and peers, but a lot of time, you can get away with never making it to a single class and still pass. That's how little you actually do in the classroom. Now, consider the fact that I come home to a house to clean, dinner to cook, caravanning the kids to and from school/sports, the grocery store, and a husband + four kids to chase to bed. Now you can see while being an educational assistant is the next best thing for me. I get to work in the school with the kids, but I don't need a degree. Also, I don't have to make lessons plans, which is also a plus for someone as busy as I am.

While, I wouldn't trade my family for anything, I sometimes I wish I had gotten my life order right. Then this wouldn't be an issue. I wouldn't be a useless 26 year old woman lol.

On the diet and exercise front, things are okay so far. I'm only a few days in, but I'm cresting the hump now. I have been getting my running in, and my diet is looking pretty perfect as of right now. I feel strong, but I know that in a few weeks, I will hit the wall and have to bust through. Having a planned cheat meal will help that. Although, it's about 7 weeks away.

I went out for my first road run since March, and today I feel like I got hit by a truck! I forgot how hard it was. I made great time for my actual running, but I had to stop and stretch for a second on the last mile of my run because my legs were SCREAMING at me that they were done. I made it though. And I know that I will only continue to improve.

Losing weight is really hard and a lot of the time I find myself thinking "God, can you please just make this easy? Can you just make me skinny?" I know it's only been 4 days, but sometimes I just want to quit and go back to my old habits because it's just easier that way. I have this goal in my head, and I'm just not sure it's possible for me to get there. We'll see though. At least I can say that I'm going about it the right way. I'm about 40 pounds away from my goal, and chipping away at it every day. But I have never in my life been as light/small as I want to be. I don't know if my body can go the distance. Also, I don't know if I will pull a Kailee (from Biggest Loser) and decide that my body is "just done losing weight" when it gets hard. I know that once I hit the 130's I will start to feel contentment. I can see myself throwing my arms up in the air at that point and saying "well, this is just as good as it's going to get." But maybe it's not? I've never pushed myself before to get past that point. And I haven't been in the 130's since I was 16 (and I probably haven't seen the 120's since I was 12). I just want to see what life is like on the other side. My life is like a two way mirror. I've been standing on the outside looking through the glass at the beautiful people. They can't see me as they admire themselves in the mirror. But none the less, I'm still there, beating on the glass trying to break through. I want to be on the mirror side, so I can finally see myself, instead of always staring at them.