Happy Half Birthday

Seeing as though life is crazy busy, and I keep most of my friends and family updated through Facebook, this blog has once again fallen into ruin. You would think I would just give it up. But no, every once in a while I need to empty my brain and this is a place to do that. Call it my pensieve.

Anabel turned 6 months old Saturday! I can't believe it. It's going by so fast. Watching her grow has me wishing that she wasn't going to be our last... but it doesn't change anything. She's it.

She is still exclusively breastfed which is awesome. We are trying to introduce solids, but she's not interested yet.

 

 

As far as everything else... It's eh. I'm on and off a diet. My heart truly isn't in it right now which makes being successful impossible. I am going to try to pick a goal to train for, since that has worked in the past. There is a 5k coming up and I'm thinking maybe I will do that. I'm going to shoot for 25 minutes. It would be my second fastest race time. My fastest was 23 minutes. Not overly fast, but definitely not slow. That could be competitive in my age group. We'll see.

 

 

The family is great. We are really working on spending more quality time together. Tony is trying to become more patient too. It's a work in progress. Out of all of the kids, it's really only Anthony that feels the need to constantly push Tony's 'self destruct' button. But I think that is only going to get better as Anthony and Tony learn about themselves and each other more. I wish we were perfect parents who could give our children a perfect life! At this point I will just be satisfied to raise kids that aren't as fucked up as we are ;)

Back in the Fray

So, as you can see, I've been away for a little while. I had a tumultous pregnancy that thankfully ended in the birth of a BEAUTIFUL daughter 2 months ago. It was a tough run, but we made it through. Long story short, I went in at 6 weeks for an ultrasound and they told me I had miscarried. They wanted to do a D&C the following week, and I spent that time mourning the loss of my child. Before they could do the procedure, they did a follow up ultrasound wherein they found out that the baby was alive and thriving. At 18 weeks I was diagnosed with an issue that could cause a premature rupture of membranes and be potentially deadly to the baby. We prepared for a preterm birth... but...

Anabel came at a healthy, full term 39 weeks :) We are blessed. Tony and I have worked everything out and we are in a good and happy place again. Anabel has been our glue, and worth every stressful situation we went through to bring her into our lives. On the diet front, well... not much to tell just yet. I weigh 163 right now, and I am starting a diet and getting back to the gym tomorrow. I have been exclusively breastfeeding and have been very afraid that dieting would compromise my supply, but with baby girl turning 3 months old soon, I think my supply should have stabilized by now. But I am introducing fenugreek into my supplements and also upping my water. I'm going to keep my calories between 2000 and 2200 and take in an extra protein shake on the days that I work out. Lord willing, that will be enough to drop some pounds while maintaining my ability to feed Anabel. The thought of not being able to nurse her is seriously depressing. My ability to breastfeed has always been directly linked to my feeling of success in raising my infant. Feeding her is so much more important than losing weight, so should my supply dip, I will immediately stop dieting and save it for after she is weaned.

But either way, physical activity has to happen. I am crazy out of shape. I went for a run with Andie this morning (my first in over a year) and in that time she has gotten more fit... me, not so much. She was outpacing me through almost the whole run! She has never done that... ever. Three miles, and I was trailing her right up until the end when she had no push left, and being the more experienced runner served me better. I have trained to have drive at the end, where is counts. So in the last 1/4 mile I overtook and passed her. But man, it was hard for me to keep up with her. I keep telling myself that in a few weeks we will be more evenly matched, but I don't know. She will get better and better. We'll see how it plays out. At the core of it though, I'm just happy that I'm raising a kid that cares about her health.

avoidance...

I have been neglecting this blog lately, because there's really just too much going on for me to update it. So I guess I should at least update the part of my life that's ruling all of the others right now, and that's my pregnancy. Or rather, my question of pregnancy. I was in the ER Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday of last week, and then at my OB's office on Monday of this week because they thought my pregnancy was ectopic. Well, by Monday they realized that they were wrong and the baby was in my uterus. But then on Thursday night, as I was going to bed, I felt a gush... of blood. It was like someone had popped a water balloon inside of me. It was just a gush of dark red blood, but it was a finite amount and did not continue. They said that my cervix was closed, but my HCG hadn't risen the way I wanted it to. On top of that, they did an ultrasound that showed even worse news. The baby was measuring 2days ahead of my due date, but had no heartbeat. They basically told me to expect a miscarriage. So after all of the stress of thinking the pregnancy was ectopic, it looks like I'm just going to have a good old fashioned miscarriage.

I am a disaster. I haven't even been out of bed since I found out. No need as far as I'm concerned. I'm trying to keep myself calm and peaceful for as long as this child is a part of my body. I go back in to see the doctor on Tuesday and they will do a follow up ultrasound to decide the next step. My doctor isn't a big fan of d&c so he doesn't want to have to do that. I am on the fence though. I don't know that I want to go through the trauma of passing the baby. He did say that 20-25% of pregnancies end in first trimester miscarriages, and that (having 4 healthy kids at home) the odds were bound to catch up to me. I respectfully disagree. I know what I did to deserve this punishment.

Yeah, I am Impatient...

I know I said Saturday, but...




I couldn't wait :) I can't believe that I got a positive on a digital test at only 11DPO! Awesome! Not I'm just crossing my fingers and sending waves upon waves of positive energy to the little one. It's in the embryonic stage right now, until I'm 10 weeks along (I will be 4 weeks on Saturday) and then hopefully I will be out of the woods. I am hoping and praying that I will be able to go to my first doctor appointment in a few weeks and be able to hear that perfect sound of the baby's fluttering heart. I am so hopeful.

Catching up...

So, my interet has been down for a week or so, and I hate blogging from my phone, so I took a mini-hiatus. In that time, I have decided to try to work things out with Tony, but it's an uneasy truce. No more 3 strikes for us... if he screws up even once then the truce is over and so are we. I know that sounds harsh... but he is completely understanding about it, and agreeable to my terms. He's also doing SO MUCH BETTER since he's been staying here at the house again. I hope it lasts. Especially since I found out...

I'M PREGNANT!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!

I'm beyond excited about it! I'm actually not even late yet. I started feeling a little funny and tested early. My period isn't due until Saturday, but I got the faintest little positive on a First response Early Result test this morning and I am over the moon! I know that the medications I have been on may have some negative reprecussions as far as the pregnancy continuing, but for right now... I feel blessed. I will take another test tomorrow, and then save my only digital pregnancy test for Saturday. I'm afraid that tomorrow will be too early for that test to be accurate since it's not as sensitive as the test that I used this morning. Time will tell if this little one sticks around, but for right now, Tony and I are hopeful. Hopeful for our marriage, hopeful for our baby, hopeful for our family's future. It has been a good day, and I hope that it is a good, happy and healthy 9 months until my St. Patrick's Day due date.

Murphy's Law...

The assertion that anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong. That is my life lately for sure. My marriage is falling apart, Tony is 5 seconds from losing or quitting his job, every day a pregnancy looks less likely (which I guess most would consider a good thing given the turmoil in the relationship right now) and now we are being faced with the possibility of losing the annuity that keeps our life afloat. Murphy's Law.

First off, the marriage. Tony and I love each other so much. We always have, and we always will. recently though, I couldn't turn a blind eye to some of our issues anymore. We are on relatively good terms right now, but for all intents and purposes... we are separated. He is staying with his mom and I am here with these horrible rotten heathens I call children. I hope he's enjoying the vacation! In all seriousness though, it has been hard on everyone. the kids have adjusted so quickly though, I was shocked! or maybe it doesn't feel different to them yet because of Tony's work schedule. Things may feel drastically different this weekend, when they're used to 3 straight days of Dad, and then it doesn't happen. He has already decided not to come and see them today... so they will get a taste of that absence sooner than expected. I just hope that everything works out in the long run... but change takes time.
In the meantime, I need to find a job. Supporting this family financially is now half my responsibility. Especially now that the annuity is ending/has ended. We will not even be able to keep out heads above water now without 2 incomes. I'm completely freaked out about it, and feeling miserable for poor BooBoo. The other kids have always had me. I have been home with them every day of their entire lives. The Boo isn't going to have that, and if I do end up pregnant (which again, is looking highly unlikely) then that baby won't even know me. I wouldn't even be able to breastfeed. that makes me profoundly sad. Maybe that's why God didn't allow a child to come into the world right now. Well, among other things. I believe to an extent that these trials were sent to me as tough love. I won't say punishment, because I don't think God works that way. All I know, is it has been a while since I have been in a position to be blessed by the Lord, and that my friends is on me.

It's Over...

I had some cramping and bloating today and yesterday, and so I believe that's it! I wish I had been temping to be sure, but honestly... deciding to try this last time was sort of a last minute thing. So there wasn't a whole lot of preparation to be had.

I'm going to try not to stress out too much about it and just let the chips fall where they may. We'll see what actually happens though lol. Tony is a little back and forth right now, but it's understandable. It's always different for dads. I know that he does want to have a baby though. It's not one of those things where the woman is just going insane with baby fever, and the husband doesn't really want a baby but goes along with it anyway. At least I hope it isn't. Tony has this terrible habit of trying to give me everything that I want without taking into consideration how it will effect him. It kills me sometimes, it really does. I wonder how in the world I ended up with such a man. I sincerely do not deserve him.

Anyway, I'm counting down the days until I can take a test. I'm going to have to fight the urge to buy out all of the pregnancy tests at the Dollar Tree to feed the need to POAS (pee on a stick). Unplanned pregnancies are so much easier. One day you're just late and so you take a test, and bam... bliss. Planned pregnancies are so much harder because you're worried that things won't work out, you're counting down the days until you know for sure, you're driving yourself crazy, and then at the end (if you're not pregnant) then you wonder what's wrong with you that you could't do the most basic animal thing... reproduce.

I have been so nervous, I've barely been eating. I have been trying to balance things out though so that if there is a baby I'm getting enough nutrients to support it, but even if I ovulated yesterday, it will be another 5-10 days until implantation would happen... so I guess worrying about the well being of the baby at this point is kind of moot. I did eat 2 chocolate chip cookies though. They were worth it.

This is what I ate today

6" Oven Roasted Chicken Breast sub
apple
Special K Honey and Oat cereal with FF milk
4 oz (well, 3.8) turkey burger (no bun) with FF cheese, and broccoli
2 chocolate chip cookies.

Wow, looking at that makes me cringe a little. There's NO WAY that's enough food. Ugh. Maybe I will find something else yummy and wholesome to eat before I turn in. But I'm not really all that hungry so maybe not. Damn nervous tummy.