I can't seem to sleep tonight, so I'm up. I have a lot on my mind, and I'm not sure if this is the best venue to vent it all.
Let me start off by saying that my life isn't terrible. A lot of the time, I rather enjoy it. I have a husband who adores me (can't figure out why!) and 4 kids that are amazing 99.9% of the time (the other 0.01% being Aidan), a wonderful home, and cable tv! So yeah, I've pretty much got it all. I guess maybe that's why my weight is such an issue. No one can truly have it all, can they? There has to be some sort of balance right? And this is my balance. I hate my monstrosity of a body. I'm trying to work through that, but so far, no luck.
I went back through the OA 12 steps tonight and wondered about the making amends part for a while. Who would I apologize to? My husband for not wanting to have sex with him? My kids for inundating them with my body image issues? My boyfriend in junior high who I dumped because I figured he would just dump me anyway because I was fat? Really... who am I truly hurting besides myself? Do I apologize to me?
Hey Chrissy, about the whole agoraphobia [brought on by your weight] thing that's ruining your life... yeah, sorry."
I just don't know. Some people say that weight is the crutch. That normal people don't just eat like I do sometimes. There must be some deep seeded issue that is causing me to do this to myself. Well, if that's the case, then I would like to know what it is. I want more than anything to be happy. Like I said, perfect husband, perfect kids, perfect life... compulsive overeating. Where's the bridge there?
I don't know. I guess I'm just so confused about the whole thing. They say that weight loss doesn't really solve the problem, but I'm thinking that for me... it will.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
I just feel like a plague on the Earth. Like a hideous monstrosity set loose to torture humanity. People must look at me and think dear God what is that horrible disfigured creature and why do you let it endure? I can't keep feeling this way... but I will never overcome this, never. I cannot solve this problem... I can't fix it. I can only hide inside myself so fewer people have to deal with me.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Every Time...
I just have this issue with Weight Watchers... I love it, I truly do, but it's something that anyone can do, and that is a mental block for me. I want so badly to be exceptional that any time that I'm not trying to be better than the average person, I don't know what to do. I get on the message boards and it's a whole bunch of mundane crap, and people wanting advice on why they're not losing weight and I want to shake them and say "this is the right way." The only issue with that is I'm exactly like them... only I HAVE all of the answers and just not the wherewithal to stick to it and stay sane. So, then I get all bummed out. It's like knowing the secret to happiness and just shrugging, that's great and all, I will try to be happy later, right now doesn't work for me.
Anyway, I've actually found a little happiness lately! Tony has decided that he's going to run a half marathon with me. Which. Is. Awesome! I'm so excited that he's actually putting his money where his mouth is and making a change. It makes me want to stick it out so we can support each other... something that has been lacking in our marriage up until now. He's usually the one supporting me, but in this, it's mutual. We get to lift each other up, and I like the way that feels. I don't know how he feels about it though. He's not really used to me trying to lift him up where diet and exercise are concerned lol. That's sort of his forte.
Oh, and I dyed my hair back to its natural color last night. So far, I hate it. But it's going to be adjustment after having it blonde for so long. I'm just so tired of having unhealthy hair that preemptively breaks at the sight of a hair brush. I want to have long hair again, and for that to happen, I have to stop damaging it. So that's big news, right? Eh. My life is boring.
Anyway, I've actually found a little happiness lately! Tony has decided that he's going to run a half marathon with me. Which. Is. Awesome! I'm so excited that he's actually putting his money where his mouth is and making a change. It makes me want to stick it out so we can support each other... something that has been lacking in our marriage up until now. He's usually the one supporting me, but in this, it's mutual. We get to lift each other up, and I like the way that feels. I don't know how he feels about it though. He's not really used to me trying to lift him up where diet and exercise are concerned lol. That's sort of his forte.
Oh, and I dyed my hair back to its natural color last night. So far, I hate it. But it's going to be adjustment after having it blonde for so long. I'm just so tired of having unhealthy hair that preemptively breaks at the sight of a hair brush. I want to have long hair again, and for that to happen, I have to stop damaging it. So that's big news, right? Eh. My life is boring.
Friday, May 6, 2011
And the Dance Continues...
So it's been a few weeks since the miscarriage and I haven't totally recovered from it yet... emotionally. I'm still in a bad place and getting more and more depressed by the day. I think the shitty weather is reflecting my mood, because it hasn't stopped raining in almost 2 months. I wasn't aware that the midwest had a monsoon season, but hey, I've been wrong before.
Everyone else is living life as usual. Cheer season is starting up again, and I hope to take a more active role this year, as we are joining a new gym. I was always on the outside at the last place, so I'm hoping if I can pretend that I'm social (and get Tony to do the same) that it may actually feel like we are a part of something this time around.
The problem is, I'm in a less that social mood. I'm back in a bad place with my body... I worked my ass off for 8 weeks and got very close to what I wanted to be, but then it became apparent that I will never have the body I want, no matter how hard I work for it, and no one is exactly throwing money or free plastic surgery at me, so I quit. Now, I'm worse off than when I started. These days, it's a chore to get up in the morning at all, let alone do anything else. I don't think I've worn an outfit that couldn't double as pajamas in weeks. The worst part is that the only thing that improves my mood is food. You know all of those happy endorphins you get when you're eating? I'm pretty much living off of those right now.
I used to have all of these dreams. I used to be a person who took the odds that were stacked against me as fuel for my climb to the top. But I'm not that person anymore. I wish I were, but I've been broken. I'm not really even living anymore, so much as just existing. I don't see the point in pushing for my own dreams anymore. I'm getting too old for dreams anyway.
Today my husband had the audacity to bring up modeling. Like I'M going to be a model, How funny! I can't even dream of modeling because to be successful you have to be tall at the very least. Did you know that IMG models will not even take an application from anyone under 5'7"? No? Well, I did. I know a lot of things like that. You know why? Because I was a dreamer once. A woman who thought that I would be an actress and a singer, or anything else I wanted to be. But now I'm not that girl anymore. My husband said it best when he told me that I should move on. I think now he's just overcompensating for those words, since he knows that he was the last person who believed in me. Even when I stopped believing, he still did... until yesterday. So now he's putting up a front like he's going to push me to be what I want to be. No thank you. You were right. It's not worth it. So I will take your advice and move on. Maybe I will limit my dreams to perfecting the fake smile, getting the house cleaned and fitting in among the other cheer parents.
Everyone else is living life as usual. Cheer season is starting up again, and I hope to take a more active role this year, as we are joining a new gym. I was always on the outside at the last place, so I'm hoping if I can pretend that I'm social (and get Tony to do the same) that it may actually feel like we are a part of something this time around.
The problem is, I'm in a less that social mood. I'm back in a bad place with my body... I worked my ass off for 8 weeks and got very close to what I wanted to be, but then it became apparent that I will never have the body I want, no matter how hard I work for it, and no one is exactly throwing money or free plastic surgery at me, so I quit. Now, I'm worse off than when I started. These days, it's a chore to get up in the morning at all, let alone do anything else. I don't think I've worn an outfit that couldn't double as pajamas in weeks. The worst part is that the only thing that improves my mood is food. You know all of those happy endorphins you get when you're eating? I'm pretty much living off of those right now.
I used to have all of these dreams. I used to be a person who took the odds that were stacked against me as fuel for my climb to the top. But I'm not that person anymore. I wish I were, but I've been broken. I'm not really even living anymore, so much as just existing. I don't see the point in pushing for my own dreams anymore. I'm getting too old for dreams anyway.
Today my husband had the audacity to bring up modeling. Like I'M going to be a model, How funny! I can't even dream of modeling because to be successful you have to be tall at the very least. Did you know that IMG models will not even take an application from anyone under 5'7"? No? Well, I did. I know a lot of things like that. You know why? Because I was a dreamer once. A woman who thought that I would be an actress and a singer, or anything else I wanted to be. But now I'm not that girl anymore. My husband said it best when he told me that I should move on. I think now he's just overcompensating for those words, since he knows that he was the last person who believed in me. Even when I stopped believing, he still did... until yesterday. So now he's putting up a front like he's going to push me to be what I want to be. No thank you. You were right. It's not worth it. So I will take your advice and move on. Maybe I will limit my dreams to perfecting the fake smile, getting the house cleaned and fitting in among the other cheer parents.
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