Can't Sleep

I can't seem to sleep tonight, so I'm up. I have a lot on my mind, and I'm not sure if this is the best venue to vent it all.

Let me start off by saying that my life isn't terrible. A lot of the time, I rather enjoy it. I have a husband who adores me (can't figure out why!) and 4 kids that are amazing 99.9% of the time (the other 0.01% being Aidan), a wonderful home, and cable tv! So yeah, I've pretty much got it all. I guess maybe that's why my weight is such an issue. No one can truly have it all, can they? There has to be some sort of balance right? And this is my balance. I hate my monstrosity of a body. I'm trying to work through that, but so far, no luck.

I went back through the OA 12 steps tonight and wondered about the making amends part for a while. Who would I apologize to? My husband for not wanting to have sex with him? My kids for inundating them with my body image issues? My boyfriend in junior high who I dumped because I figured he would just dump me anyway because I was fat? Really... who am I truly hurting besides myself? Do I apologize to me?

Hey Chrissy, about the whole agoraphobia [brought on by your weight] thing that's ruining your life... yeah, sorry."

I just don't know. Some people say that weight is the crutch. That normal people don't just eat like I do sometimes. There must be some deep seeded issue that is causing me to do this to myself. Well, if that's the case, then I would like to know what it is. I want more than anything to be happy. Like I said, perfect husband, perfect kids, perfect life... compulsive overeating. Where's the bridge there?

I don't know. I guess I'm just so confused about the whole thing. They say that weight loss doesn't really solve the problem, but I'm thinking that for me... it will.