And What Exactly Does He Hope to Accomplish...

... I wonder.

My husband is checking up on my ex like a jealous lover. You would think that THEY were in a past relationship, not me. Ugh, I don't understand it. How can you ever hope to get over something if you're constantly looking for it? I mean really! I can't even look thoughtful anymore without Tony freaking out and asking me if I'm going to leave him. I could be thinking of what I want to eat, what movie I would like to see, or just generally having a moment of body induced self loathing, but instantly he thinks I'm contemplating my escape from his clutches so that I can run screaming into the arms of my ex. I could seriously scream.

Being that I have eating disorders abound, let's liken this to food, shall we? It's like you're on a diet and you're at that wonderful place where you're not really having any cravings for ice cream, you're not even thinking about ice cream, but then someone comes up to you and accuses you of thinking of ice cream! As a matter of fact they work ice cream into every conversation they have with you! Then at the end, they expect you NOT to now have ice cream on the brain. It's freaking ridiculous. I'm not thinking about my ex 98% of the time but then he gets paranoid that I'm not going off on a tangent about how I'm not thinking about my ex, so what does he do? He brings up my ex! So am I thinking about my ex? Well, sure I am! Have someone talk to you about ice cream all day and try not to think about it!

I'm just aggravated. I'm trying to get our lives back to normal, but no... he won't let that happen. He's just sitting here, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for me to leave him for this ex (and let me just tell everyone that there are a few MAJOR reasons why this guy is an ex!) and he's driving me insane with it! How is either one of us supposed to be secure in this relationship if he's constantly interrogating me for thinking about the ex that HE BROUGHT UP! He's not feeling close to me, and it is pushing me away in the process.

So, if you want to know why I'm so distant, it's because you're using him to push me away. By the way... I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a myspace, try facebook next time.

Miserable Sick...

So this morning, I decided that I was going to try and push all baby thoughts out of my head and jump headlong into trying to attain the body of my dreams. In case you missed my header, I'm not very good at this. I'm a horrible dieter. I will lose weight like a champ and then gain it all back. This last time, I started to see what my body may end up looking like in the future and I was happy with that. So, since I need a distraction anyway, and it's not looking like I'm going to be headed to the pizza buffet any time in the near future, I'm going to try and make this work. So, be prepared to listen to me whine and eventually watch me fail... miserably... again.


It's going to be nice to have a distraction though. I spent a lot of yesterday either trying very hard to be happy, or bawling my eyes out to the point where I couldn't breathe, so I'm thinking balance is going to be the name of the game. I really wish that we could have another baby. It was all that was on my mind yesterday and kept creeping in throughout the day today too. So, I'm trying not to think about that and trying to enjoy my precious little BooBoo, since he's about to come out of the baby stage very soon. I'm going to miss it so much! But life goes on I guess. It just would have been nice to have another curly headed blue eyed girlie girl... suppose there was no guarantee that would happen anyway. I could have ended up with another Aidan, God help me.


The supplements I'm on right now are ok. I'm cool with most of them. My fat burner is nice, and my thermogenic is CLEARLY working as I sit here running a fever LOL. But there's a metabolic enhancer that I'm taking too and my LORD is it making me sick! I seriously want to vomit! I can't wait until my next meal, I'm hoping that food will stifle the nausea. Who knows? It could make it work. Tony wants me to keep taking it to see if I get a tolerance to it, but seriously I don't think that I could handle taking it again.


I skipped cardio this morning because we were up until nearly 2am talking and crying and praying, but tomorrow I'm going to be on it. Then I'm out of town for the weekend (GO SHOOTING STARS!!) and then going back to the gym on Monday. It's time to get back in a rythm. I'm thinking about maybe taking a gymnastics class if I can find one, or maybe a dance class. If I'm done having babies ( :( ) then I'm going to get myself a nice full time job and maybe go out for a professional cheerleading squad. At least, I'm thinking about it if I'm not too old.


On another note, the house search is ongoing. We haven't met with the realtor for our house yet which is kind of good but kind of sucks. This house is not ready to be shown, but we're losing time on it every day. It would be so nice if we could do a quick closing on the house and have cash in hand to get a new one, but so far it's not looking like that is going to happen, so we'll see. I'm torn on the move, but I will be perfectly fine. Part of me is ready to go, and part of me just loves the pretty trees in my neighborhood too much to leave :) But it's all part of life I guess. Money makes the world go 'round and we don't have any. I wish that we could take out a loan, fix up the house, put some money away for this or that and then pay it back, but it's the whole "pay it back" part that's going to be an issue since we're dead broke and it's not going to get any better until I can get a job and that has to wait until I retire from my current job... full time Mommy.


One day at a time, right?

Stop the Ride, I Want to GET OFF!

Today has been a little bit crazy. I woke up this morning and took another pregnancy test... negative. I was right, a chemical pregnancy. It only makes sense. I really did see this one coming, but the grief... that, I wasn't ready for. We are dealing though. Pick up the pieces and move on. Tony says that he's upset too, but he has a hard time showing that sort of thing.
Another thing is that Tony was asked to take a lay off at work and I'm pretty back and forth about the right thing to do about that situation. It's totally voluntary, so if he takes it, clearly he would lose his job, with no chance of getting it back at a later time. If he doesn't take the lay off, then they will fire the "lowest man on the totem poll." Normally I would just feel bad about the person losing their job, and be thankful that it wasn't Tony, but in this case, Tony is and has been looking for another job and plans to quit his and move out of the area as soon as he finds one. So how do you reconcile that? How do you keep the job that you need, even if you know that you plan to leave, knowing that someone else is going to be losing their livelihood as a result. It's tough. I think that I would feel better about it if we had any intentions on staying in the area... but we don't.
I'm considering the option of staying in the area, for the betterment of everyone in our family and the fact that Tony still has a job here... but you can see how his heart drops when I mention the possibility of staying around. He will say that it's because he doesn't feel like this area is home anymore, but I know better. He only wants to leave because he's worried about my ex boyfriend and whether or not I will end up going back to him, in the long run.
I keep telling him that it isn't going to happen like that, but he doesn't have any faith in me that I'm telling the truth... or he just thinks that I'm going to change my mind. Either way, the answer isn't sweeping me out of the state to keep me away from my ex. If I'm going to leave Tony, then I'm going to leave whether that is here for a thousand miles away. I wish I could undo everything that made him question me, but I can't so he will never be comfortable staying here. I hate that, because I know how mistrust works. It will start with my ex, then it will trickle into every relationship I have with another man, no matter how harmless. Mistrust is like the first part of the rug that begins to unravel. Or like a puppy chewing on a berber rug, you know ow it starts small but by the end of it you have nothing left but rug backing and a backed up puppy. I don't want that for us... but, that's where we are.
I guess my main point is that I don't want to uproot my kids and move them away from friends and family and everything that they know because my husband doesn't trust me to not be friends with my ex. Yes, you heard that right... he's not afraid that I'm going to sleep with him. No, he's afraid that I'm going to be friends with him. Because THAT'S SO MUCH WORSE. I'm not opposed to moving, that's not it. I will totally up and leave this place and up until recently was completely excited about it. But now it just feels wrong. So, today, I'm confused. Tomorrow, who knows?

And...

Where the FUCK are my paragraphs!?

Torn...

I'm going to take a deep breath and 'say' this out loud. I'm pregnant. Hold your congratulations, because I'm all kinds of confused about it. I want to be elated, but the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy are less than ideal, and I'm seriously concerned that it will not continue anyway. So I'm not sure I'm ready to be happy about it yet. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel about it yet. Tony wants me to be ecstatic and is hurt that I'm not. But that doesn't change how I feel about it. I wish it did. I would give just about anything to embrace this and hope for the best, but that's just not what my gut is telling me right now and I'm not in a place where I can really put on a happy face for everyone else and fake it til I make it. I'm really just tired of that anyway. Because of this though, Tony and I have been able to talk about a lot of things going on in our lives right now that are less than perfect and we are hoping that all of the pieces fit back together in the end. I guess that's why I said in my last post that it felt like running away. But maybe running isn't so bad. I mean, all of our problems are here, so it would be nice to leave them behind... but whatever is forcing the gap between us is something that we are doing, and I have a feeling that it's just going to follow us for a good long while. But every step that's made in the right direction is worth celebrating as far as I'm concerned. On a lighter note. I'm also torn about ice cream. (this post couldn't be all heavy!) And the fact that I'd really like to have some right now. It's going to be hotter than hell (for spring) in this part of Ohio and all I can think of is a nice trip to the ice cream stand. It could be the hormones. Anyway, I'm trying to avoid it though, because we're trying to be healthier as a family. That's one of the things I've wanted for a long time, so I'm going to forget this passing craving and move on. Besides, I don't want it to take a year to lose the baby weight... whether there's a baby in the end or not, I'm already feeling the fatness creep on. So, I need to limit that. That's another thing. I'm ready for my dream body and now I have to wait 9 months to start trying to get there. That's selfish, I know, but it doesn't make it any less true.

And I Ate the Whole Thing...

I think that lately I'm just spinning out of control in a lot of ways. And here's something you may not know about me.... I. Am. A. Control. Freak. I hate when I don't know every single detail about everything that's going on at any given time. And people wonder why I'm stressed out! We are supposed to be moving no later than the end of the school year, but again I'm skeptical that it will all come together. I want to go, but it feels a little like running away. Everything that's going on right now kind of feels like running away. I guess part of it is... but really it's about a fresh start and a better life for my family. I have been doing more research on the area that we're planning to move to, and I'm pretty stoked. If there's any truth to the southern hospitality urban legend, then it's all good. I think that part of me still feels like a 9 year old little girl who doesn't want to leave my home, but the rest of me is so over it and ready to just take the leap already because sitting here and thinking about it all of the time may KILL ME! So, per usual, I'm unloading my stress on my poor unassuming refrigerator, and consequently my waistline. It's a good thing I'm not leaving my husband, because at this point no one would take my fat ass. I'm all stuffed with stuffed crust at the moment. I'm feeling so many things right now. I'm glad that I have Tony to go to whenever it's time to get on with life. But for right now, we're very much stuck in neutral. Every passing day has me looking at real estate more nearby rather than on the other end of this pipe dream. It's so much safer to do it that way. There's an established job here, we know everything, and we can still use the difference in the cost of the house to get out of debt. On top of that we will still be close to family and my beloved YMCA and Renaissance Festival (do not hate on my dorkiness). But the house isn't the only thing on our minds. We're dealing with a lot more than I can say, even on here. I need to find my center, because I really feel like I'm spiraling totally out of control and I can't tell for the life of me which way is up. I feel like I live in a constant state of being lost all the time anymore. I hope things start clearing up for us, the further away from this mess that we get. Now, if we can only take those steps and get out of here.

So Says My Fickle Self...

I know that I am fickle and flighty, so when I say that my family and I are going to up and move 600 miles away, feel free to roll your eyes and go about your day with the "knowledge" that in 6 months you will knock on my door and I will still be sitting inside. Normally you would be right. I get the itch to leave this place a few times a year. I pull up all of the fancy real estate websites and browse through hundreds of houses that either suck for this reason or are perfect for that reason. But alas, after each of these phases runs its course, I am still here. This time is a little different. This time we have everyone on board (save for our 9 year old who is not moving out of state no matter what, just ask her, she will tell you) and we're taking the necessary steps to actually make this next move in our lives. Today we started packing. I know, it's a little early since we don't have anything ready in what will become our new hometown... but we are listing our house, and we're getting all of the non-essential clutter out of the way so that the house feels light and airy. At least that's what we're shooting for. Also, we are doing some painting and little updates. Today we painted one of the bathrooms a more neutral color and then tomorrow all of the little extras go up. Thankfully most of our home's issues are cosmetic, so not a whole lot of cost to incur there. Praise God on that one. I think we're so ready for a fresh start. Tony and I have been in and out of our marriage for a while. Not physically, but emotionally. He's not a touchy feely, let me tell you my deepest darkest secrets so we can cry in each other's arms, kind of guy. He's more of the Nothing is wrong with me, I truly feel nothing, want nothing, and therefore need to say nothing, type. But while he was constantly feeling nothing, I was left to feel everything on my own. It's not as much fun as it sounds boys and girls. But things have changed, and they're continuing to evolve. 10 years into this relationship, and we're finally busting down some walls. So we're going all out and making a fresh start. New city, new jobs, new home... I tried the new kids thing, but apparently there's a law against selling children, and frankly I'm not impressed with the resale values of the older models anyway... so they're coming with us. We are also in negotiations again on baby #5. It looks like we're going to give it one good shot. So, I'm preheating the oven, and we'll see if we can't get something cooking. If not... well then, we move on. So that's the goings on in my life right now... Hopefully I won't be back on here in a few weeks all "ho-hum" about how we're going to end up having to stay and having to sell a kidney to pay this year's property taxes. Just in case... anyone know the going rate on vital organs these days?