Torn...

I'm going to take a deep breath and 'say' this out loud. I'm pregnant. Hold your congratulations, because I'm all kinds of confused about it. I want to be elated, but the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy are less than ideal, and I'm seriously concerned that it will not continue anyway. So I'm not sure I'm ready to be happy about it yet. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel about it yet. Tony wants me to be ecstatic and is hurt that I'm not. But that doesn't change how I feel about it. I wish it did. I would give just about anything to embrace this and hope for the best, but that's just not what my gut is telling me right now and I'm not in a place where I can really put on a happy face for everyone else and fake it til I make it. I'm really just tired of that anyway. Because of this though, Tony and I have been able to talk about a lot of things going on in our lives right now that are less than perfect and we are hoping that all of the pieces fit back together in the end. I guess that's why I said in my last post that it felt like running away. But maybe running isn't so bad. I mean, all of our problems are here, so it would be nice to leave them behind... but whatever is forcing the gap between us is something that we are doing, and I have a feeling that it's just going to follow us for a good long while. But every step that's made in the right direction is worth celebrating as far as I'm concerned. On a lighter note. I'm also torn about ice cream. (this post couldn't be all heavy!) And the fact that I'd really like to have some right now. It's going to be hotter than hell (for spring) in this part of Ohio and all I can think of is a nice trip to the ice cream stand. It could be the hormones. Anyway, I'm trying to avoid it though, because we're trying to be healthier as a family. That's one of the things I've wanted for a long time, so I'm going to forget this passing craving and move on. Besides, I don't want it to take a year to lose the baby weight... whether there's a baby in the end or not, I'm already feeling the fatness creep on. So, I need to limit that. That's another thing. I'm ready for my dream body and now I have to wait 9 months to start trying to get there. That's selfish, I know, but it doesn't make it any less true.