It seems like all I do is think. I think about what I want, what I don't want, who I am, who I want to be, what I would do if I won the lottery.... The list goes on.
Today I'm thinking about my future. I got a little bummed that all of the educational assistant jobs with the local school are filled. I don't know why. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to go back to work this year, not even next year... not even the year after that, but still, it feels like a missed opportunity. Maybe it's just because it feels like the one thing I can actually do, and I'm chomping at the bit to get there?
I always wanted to be a teacher. I have tried year after year to go back to college, but that is where the "being a statstic" comes in. Sure, I graduated high school, married the father of my kids, and bought my first house when I was a teenager... all of those things make me the exception, not the rule. But where my college education is concerned, you can still see "TEEN MOM" written across my forehead. It's my Moby Dick. I will probably chase that goal [college graduate] for my entire life.
It's not that I'm not smart... I would kick Jeopardy's ass! However, my kids (my house, my husband, etc.) need so much from me that I just can't cope with the workload. College is about 25% learning in the classroom, and 75% figuring it out on your own at home. You do the discussing with your professors and peers, but a lot of time, you can get away with never making it to a single class and still pass. That's how little you actually do in the classroom. Now, consider the fact that I come home to a house to clean, dinner to cook, caravanning the kids to and from school/sports, the grocery store, and a husband + four kids to chase to bed. Now you can see while being an educational assistant is the next best thing for me. I get to work in the school with the kids, but I don't need a degree. Also, I don't have to make lessons plans, which is also a plus for someone as busy as I am.
While, I wouldn't trade my family for anything, I sometimes I wish I had gotten my life order right. Then this wouldn't be an issue. I wouldn't be a useless 26 year old woman lol.
On the diet and exercise front, things are okay so far. I'm only a few days in, but I'm cresting the hump now. I have been getting my running in, and my diet is looking pretty perfect as of right now. I feel strong, but I know that in a few weeks, I will hit the wall and have to bust through. Having a planned cheat meal will help that. Although, it's about 7 weeks away.
I went out for my first road run since March, and today I feel like I got hit by a truck! I forgot how hard it was. I made great time for my actual running, but I had to stop and stretch for a second on the last mile of my run because my legs were SCREAMING at me that they were done. I made it though. And I know that I will only continue to improve.
Losing weight is really hard and a lot of the time I find myself thinking "God, can you please just make this easy? Can you just make me skinny?" I know it's only been 4 days, but sometimes I just want to quit and go back to my old habits because it's just easier that way. I have this goal in my head, and I'm just not sure it's possible for me to get there. We'll see though. At least I can say that I'm going about it the right way. I'm about 40 pounds away from my goal, and chipping away at it every day. But I have never in my life been as light/small as I want to be. I don't know if my body can go the distance. Also, I don't know if I will pull a Kailee (from Biggest Loser) and decide that my body is "just done losing weight" when it gets hard. I know that once I hit the 130's I will start to feel contentment. I can see myself throwing my arms up in the air at that point and saying "well, this is just as good as it's going to get." But maybe it's not? I've never pushed myself before to get past that point. And I haven't been in the 130's since I was 16 (and I probably haven't seen the 120's since I was 12). I just want to see what life is like on the other side. My life is like a two way mirror. I've been standing on the outside looking through the glass at the beautiful people. They can't see me as they admire themselves in the mirror. But none the less, I'm still there, beating on the glass trying to break through. I want to be on the mirror side, so I can finally see myself, instead of always staring at them.
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