... Admittedly, not so great. Monday was okay, Tuesday I felt like I could conquer the world, Wednesday I was tired and didn't get all of my cardio in, which led into today... B-I-N-G-E. Ugh. Yes, again. I haven't even been able to get through one single week yet! I'm so pissed off at myself it's absolutely outrageous. I just feel like I am drowning, but no one can pull me out of the water.
I honestly want to move on in this sport, I really really do, but the baby thing has my head in a strange place. I know that I shouldn't have any more children. I even get this nagging feeling when I say that I want more, like my brain is trying to tell me that it's a bad idea. I mean, I have a hard enough time with the four that I have. But somewhere inside of me is this need to have another child. I don't know where it comes from, and I wish I could make it STOP! Having another baby is a terrible idea! My attention and patience is stretched thin enough as it is. I'm already screwing up 4 lives, why add another to the mix? Is it genetic? Biological? I can't figure out where it comes from. And as long as I keep longing for another child, it's going to be beyond difficult to commit to my goals. I wish I could just afford the tummy tuck and then the baby option would come off the table. Maybe that's best with the problems I've had with my last 3 pregnancies, lost twin, placenta previa/c-section, and miscarriage. Maybe God is trying to say "No more babies for YOU!" I don't know.
My food today was pretty bad (and I hope my husband doesn't kill me for this... or say anything about it at all really). I ate 2 bowls of honey combs cereal, about 3 packs of peanut butter crackers (maybe 4, I can't remember), 4 packs of fruit snacks, 2 popsicles, a turkey cheeseburger on a white bun with ketchup, a grilled cheese sandwich, 1/2 a peanut butter sandwich, whatever BooBoo left on his plate after lunch, a few handfuls each of pretzels and goldfish crackers, a bag of popcorn, 2 apples, a king size peanut butter Twix, and an Asiago Chicken sandwich from Wendy's with fries. I think that's all? I'm not really sure. I know that's a lot of food but it doesn't even begin to touch one of my full blown binges. You know how I know? Because I can still move. My exercise for the day, you may ask? Well, I did a lot of reps... extend arm, retrieve food, place in mouth, repeat...
:::sigh::: I fail at life.
All I can do is start fresh in the morning really. Be honest... move on. So tomorrow, I will weigh in. I will share my weight, and I will repeat this practice on a weekly basis. I will encourage anyone reading this, who is also struggling to do the same. I am going to set my weightloss goals for every 4 weeks (as in, I way XXX.XX this week, I want to weight XXX.XX in 4 weeks). Also, each 4 weeks I will post a picture of myself, however unflattering (and oh will it be unflattering!) to hopefully document my changes. And with any luck, this will be a "for better or for worse" kind of thing. So if I screw it up, well, you get to see it. I'm already nervous. But I hope that i can make some changes over time.... how much time will be the question.
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