My Life, FTW!

So, I'm going to try this thing called accountability. It worked the last time I was on this journey, so let's see where it leads me this time.

I managed to work out today. I had a really bad week last week, though I did manage to work in a few workouts, but by Saturday I was too down on myself to go to my Zumba class. Instead, I sought solace in a steak egg and cheese bagel. The worst thing is that I know better. I lose weight like a champ when I want to because I know all of the rules and follow them to a 'T'. The problem is I also gain weight like a champ because I'm literally addicted to food. When I was younger I thought that food addiction was a load of crap. It was a crutch created by fat people to justify their eating habits and claim that they had no control. And then, I faced it myself. After losing Aidan's twin, the endorphin rush that came from eating was the only thing that would lift my mood... and then I became entirely dependent on it over time. I forgot how to be happy without food.

I didn't realize how bad the problem was until I started trying to lose the weight. I would start over and start over, and the longer I went between binges, the more depressed I would get. Then, when I would finally cave, I would be giddy about all of the food I would eat. Then I would eat... and eat... and eat. I would eat up to, and then past the point of physical pain. I would get so bad that I couldn't move at all, because if I so much as leaned over my ribs would feel like I would break from the volume of food that I had stuffed under them. I just assumed that when someone would say "I binged," that they were eating the same thing. I was very very wrong.

If I wrote down things that were eaten in one of my binges, you would be appalled. You know, this is about accountability, so I will go ahead and share... brace yourself: (note; this is one meal)

2 chocolate cake donuts
3 large slices of pizza
burger and fries meal from Sonic
ice cream sundae
the majority of two 1/4 size sheet cakes
2 bowls of ice cream
King Size PB Twix

That was one meal. And I have had meals like that countless times. I am trying to fix it, and I do a good job for a while, but then I lose it again. I have gained and lost the same 20 pounds about 4 times... maybe 5. I bounce from 145-165 regularly. And while I haven't let it get beyond that point yet (having once weighed 235 pounds). I can feel myself slowly losing control since the miscarriage. I'm trying to get back on track... and I'm hoping to be as successful as I was this last time. It was a hard battle, but eventually, I was able to push through the depression, and find happiness outside of food. But then I lost it again. I have faced so many challenges in my life since I was happy back in February and March. But I'm trying to get back there. It's going to take a lot of physical, mental and emotional work though.

I'm doing it though. I woke up this morning and did 30 minutes of cardio, then weights + 30 more minutes of cardio, and then later... one last cardio session for the day. Wish me luck, I just want to get back to a place where I'm not ashamed to admit that I have big goals... or any goals for that matter.