Well...

I gave it my best shot. I'm either going to end up pregnant at the end of this month, or not. But I can say that (based on my calculations lol) I gave it the best chance that I could. And now it's a waiting game... again. I just hope that my cycle is regular. I'm going to cross my fingers and hope and pray for the best outcome.

I've been thinking though, with everything going on, I may not telling anyone I'm pregnant. At least not for a while. That is *if* I managed to get knocked up. With our loss still so fresh, and some of the turmoil that could come of sharing the news, I'm wondering if making a phone call in 9 months to tell everyone about their new ::insert relation here:: has arrived would be the better option. Who knows?

As far as my dieting goes, I'm holding out pretty well. I did have a bowl of ice cream last night though while Tony and I indulged in an episode of the best reality show ever... So You Think You Can Dance. We have watched it since it first started, and still love it. Anyway, the ice cream was remarkably lackluster. What I mean is, it has lost some of its appeal to me. I hardly finished my bowl, I didn't go back for seconds (unheard of) and then I ended up with a tummy ache. So it's sitting, untouched in my freezer right now. And it's not even calling out to me right now. I think that the thought of getting pregnant has filled the hole I generally fill with food, for now.

I am stressing out about Tony though. He's not sleeping much, not that I blame him with all of the stress he's under, but it's really getting worrysome. He is a truck driver and I'm terrified that he's going to fall asleep and kill himself, or someone else. He has actually hit someone with his car before.... twice. Thankfully neither of those people were hurt, but that was only by the grace of God. His reaction time is slipping and that's not going to work. I wish that he could sleep. Well, I wish that he would just find another job, somewhere far away so we can leave this place.

On an unrelated note, we looked at a house the other day. It was perfect for us. It was the right price, it was big enough for our rather large family, and it had so many of my 'must haves' in a house. I'm seriously bummed that there isn't anything we can do about it. It's a bank owned property, so that means it goes to investors in a few short days, and we can't even put in an offer, because our house won't sell. It's frustrating. You may look at us and think that we have it all figured out from the outside, but it's just not true. We fight tooth and nail to pay the bills, rarely pay them on time and it wears on us. It seems like we owe everyone money. There's even an outstanding lawsuit on us which is keeping us from being able to finance anything. All of our money is tied up in our home, and we're barely treading water right now. That's another reason we're selling. Hopefully we will take the difference between the sale price of our house and the purchase price of a new home and be able to get out of debt. We would be living just fine if it weren't for the justice system screwing us when we sold our last home.

We were going to take Andie out of cheerleading to ease the burden, but I couldn't do it. When I was little, I was a dancer. I lived for dance, I was good, and I could have been great. But my mom fell on hard times and pulled me out. That started a pattern of her putting me into things to fill the void, only to pull me out (or guilt me into quitting) for the remainder of my childhood. I think that's part of the reason I can't finish anything I start. So, when I see Andie love this so much, I can't imagine taking it from her. For now, we're making it work so I am not complaining. We are so blessed, so I try not to take that for granted. I have an amazing husband and 4 amazing children and we're all together and happy. Some people aren't fortunate enough to say that. So, I won't complain. It will all work out, it always does. In the meantime, I will be hopeful that we can add just one more little monster to the brood, and continue to live in bliss. Or blissful ignorance... either way.