So it's been a few weeks since the miscarriage and I haven't totally recovered from it yet... emotionally. I'm still in a bad place and getting more and more depressed by the day. I think the shitty weather is reflecting my mood, because it hasn't stopped raining in almost 2 months. I wasn't aware that the midwest had a monsoon season, but hey, I've been wrong before.
Everyone else is living life as usual. Cheer season is starting up again, and I hope to take a more active role this year, as we are joining a new gym. I was always on the outside at the last place, so I'm hoping if I can pretend that I'm social (and get Tony to do the same) that it may actually feel like we are a part of something this time around.
The problem is, I'm in a less that social mood. I'm back in a bad place with my body... I worked my ass off for 8 weeks and got very close to what I wanted to be, but then it became apparent that I will never have the body I want, no matter how hard I work for it, and no one is exactly throwing money or free plastic surgery at me, so I quit. Now, I'm worse off than when I started. These days, it's a chore to get up in the morning at all, let alone do anything else. I don't think I've worn an outfit that couldn't double as pajamas in weeks. The worst part is that the only thing that improves my mood is food. You know all of those happy endorphins you get when you're eating? I'm pretty much living off of those right now.
I used to have all of these dreams. I used to be a person who took the odds that were stacked against me as fuel for my climb to the top. But I'm not that person anymore. I wish I were, but I've been broken. I'm not really even living anymore, so much as just existing. I don't see the point in pushing for my own dreams anymore. I'm getting too old for dreams anyway.
Today my husband had the audacity to bring up modeling. Like I'M going to be a model, How funny! I can't even dream of modeling because to be successful you have to be tall at the very least. Did you know that IMG models will not even take an application from anyone under 5'7"? No? Well, I did. I know a lot of things like that. You know why? Because I was a dreamer once. A woman who thought that I would be an actress and a singer, or anything else I wanted to be. But now I'm not that girl anymore. My husband said it best when he told me that I should move on. I think now he's just overcompensating for those words, since he knows that he was the last person who believed in me. Even when I stopped believing, he still did... until yesterday. So now he's putting up a front like he's going to push me to be what I want to be. No thank you. You were right. It's not worth it. So I will take your advice and move on. Maybe I will limit my dreams to perfecting the fake smile, getting the house cleaned and fitting in among the other cheer parents.
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